I sat down on my sofa, diet coke in one hand, chocolate buttons in the other, to write a post about how tired I am.  Seriously tired.  Exhausted even.  My lovely LL, the one I bragged about on this blog, saying what a good sleeper she was and how she was sleeping through?  That same baby has now decided sleep is for the weak.  That same baby has decided she likes to party in the evenings...and the only guest she wants to party with is her Mama.

But as I sat down to write this 'woe is me, I am so tired' post, I decided actually I am kind of over it.  Yes I am tired.  Yes I look like crap.  Too many late nights, night waking and bad eating habits has meant that it is really catching up on me.  When I look in a mirror- all I see is sunken eyes, dark circles and seriously dehydrated skin.  I see wrinkles beginning to form. I look down at my tummy and see a flabby belly that I don't have the motivation or the inclination to get rid of.  

Does it matter?

There is truth in aknowledging feelings and yes I do feel a bit overtired, emotional and bleugh with myself occasionally at the moment.  There are some mornings when I wake up and I just think 'my god this is going to be a long day.'  There are some afternoons where I literally scoop Mads up and run her upstairs for her nap, just so I can get some peace.  Or I feed LL so much more than I probably should because I just want her to go.to.sleep.  

I don't feel like I ever get a moment to myself, and I don't remember the last time I actually cared about getting dressed up or making an effort.  Sometimes I want to just hide indoors rather than face the effort of getting them in and out of the car.  

Sometimes I feel like I want to have a good old cry for no reason in particular.  Tiredness maybe?  Feeling a bit bleugh and not having much confidence in myself from time to time?  Worrying about money while on maternity leave?  Who knows?  But I think having a good cry is like an emotional clear out.  It makes me feel refreshed and rejuvinated.

And if you don't ever feel a little emptiness from time to time, for whatever reason, then you wouldn't ever know the satisfaction of feeling full again.

And I have a huge amount to feel full about.  

My heart is so full for my small people.

Yes motherhood can be exhausting.  But it is also completely and utterly intoxicating.

I lay in the bath with my children tonight.  LL was sitting on my tummy- my flabby, doughy tummy that is still numb from my section; on the red, raised, slightly purple scar that is the constant visual reminder of the two most important and happy days of my life.  

I looked down at it, and then I looked up at her.  The way the water was dripping down her back, past the little tuft of languno hair just above her bottom that hasn't quite disappeared yet.  The way her eyes lit up and she visibly shook with excitement when her sister was splashing.

And I looked at my big girl, who was giggling because I kept pretending to jump when she dropped a bottle of shampoo off the side into the bath.  The way she threw back her head and laughed, her beautiful blue eyes dancing from side to side.

And I realised something.

It's ok.  

It's ok to have tough days as without the tough ones we wouldn't treasure the good ones.  It's ok to look at the dark circles under my eyes and feel a bit crap about it, because those dark circles signify night time snuggles with a little lady who one day won't need them anymore.  It's ok to feel a bit rubbish about my tummy, as that tummy gave birth to these amazing little girls who I am thankful for every day.  

It's ok to look at my house, with its windows that are smeared with toddler dirt and think 'Crap they need a clean.'  Because those smears mean that my toddler is having fun, exploring and growing.  It's ok if Mads has a horrific meltdown occasionally, because it makes me feel proud  when shes a little angel. It's ok to have days where you seem to suck at this parenting malarky, because it makes you appreciate the days that you feel like a superhero.  

It's ok to make the odd mistake, because then you get to learn from them.  

It's ok to take time to recognize these things from time to time.  To feel a bit sorry for yourself, just for a minute.  Because then you take a step back and realise just how lucky you are.

That life might not be perfect, but it is your perfectly imperfect life.

 And that there may be challenging moments....

But for all those challenging moments?

There are are a million amazing ones.

And that's more than ok.

On this exhausting, intoxicating journey that is parenthood.

 A rubbish quality iPhone snap, but it kind of illustrates our days together.  Me and my little ladies.

For this weeks 'Words'- a mini series of my favourite quotes on my favourite photographs, is this one from Walt Disney.  

I have always been a day dreamer.  At school I used to sit in my lessons and let my mind wander away, and I was constantly told on my school reports that I needed to stop day dreaming.

I think dreams are incredibly important.  It is important to have things to aspire too, to help us learn and grow.  To get us out of ruts we may get stuck in, and to motivate us to succeed.

I still have so many dreams.  Life is good at the moment, really good, but I have things I want to do.  I would love to not return to work after maternity leave, and I am half way there but I need to work hard to make this happen.  A few of my dreams, especially in the work sense, could possibly become a reality if I work hard.  There are little projects, and potential collaborations- dreams I have been dreaming for a while now, that could potentially happen in the future. 

My dreams for my family have come true.  Yes we would love more money, or a bigger house, but we are happy.  We are complete.  And I hope one day these other things will happen in the future.  I have my husband and my two gorgeous little girls, and I am happy.  When I was young I dreamed of having children and I am so thankful that I have my family.  

I have dreams for my little girl's.  I want a happy life for them.  I want a childhood full of happiness, day dreaming, imagination and creativity.  I want to inspire them to have aspirations, to believe that they can do anything they set their minds too.  I want to help them overcome any barriers they may come across, and help them reach goals.  I want them to be successful, but above all I just want them to be happy.  

I want the world to be their oyster.

I hope that I can help them achieve their dreams.  

The way they have helped me achieve mine.  

Last Week's News.

LL is growing so quickly.  I can't believe how fast the time is zooming by.  I am trying to relish every single moment of her baby days as she is going to be our last baby.  But it is hard cause time is determined to whizz by!

Last week we had her second set of jabs, we are about four weeks out due to a combination of the first ones being late due to illness and the second ones being late for the same reason.  She was a good girl, and let out a little wail but was fine soon afterwards and was making the whole doctor's surgery coo over her.  This girl can smile on cue, I hope it will last.

We also started a two week course in baby massage last week, a friend of a friend is a trained baby massage, yoga and baby swimming instructor and she is doing us a favour and doing it a friends house.  LL loved being massaged and kicked and smiled throughout the session.

She has started wearing some gorgeous summer clothes, I love her in little flowing dresses and cute trendy playsuits.  Although now the weather has changed again.  

LL is going through a tricky phase when it comes to sleep, so as such we are all pretty tired.  Mads did start waking up around 4 months old as well, but not quite as bad as LL.  I am walking around like a zombie most of the time!  Luckily she still is the most chilled out and smiley girl in the day so at least I can sneak a few minutes sit down on the sofa when Mads is napping in the afternoons.

LL is a real Mummy's girl.  Mads obviously loved her Mummy when she was this age but never really needed me as a comfort, she was just as happy with Daddy, but LL is a real Mummy's girl.  She reserves her best smiles and coo's for Mummy, and Mr E has tried a few times in the night to settle her back down to sleep but she cries and then stops as soon as she comes to me, even if she doesn't have milk.  Mr E isn't phased by this though and just says 'Wait until she comes off the boob, then she'll be all about her Daddy.'  Charming!

Sleep.

As I mentioned above, I indeed did jinx and Miss LL has decided that sleep is for the weak.  

She is going through a tough stage of waking anywhere from 2-4 times a night, with the average being around 2, 4 and 6am.  Sometimes it can be earlier at 12 though too.  Coupled with the fact I don't go to bed until 11-12 most nights, means I am very tired.

She wakes up but doesn't cry, the problem is she is just wide awake.  Mr E tells me to leave her but when I do she just grunts, and kicks and moves around and I cannot sleep through it so I end up feeding her or rocking her back to sleep- two things which I can't imagine being particularly good as she is developing bad habits.

I have tried leaving her awake but I do think eventually it will develop into a cry.  The problem is she is wide awake and can't seem to settle herself.  By this age Mads was sucking her fingers so this helped in soothing her but LL unfortunately doesn't do this.  Therefore the only way to soothe her back to sleep is by rocking or feeding.  I don't really want to give her a dummy as we have survived this long without one, so other than that I don't see what else I can do.

She is also going through a funny phase of waking up about 10-15 minutes after I have put her down and really crying.  It is almost like she suddenly realises where she is.  I then feed her and put her to bed again and after that she is fine.  

It is so hard to remember what we did with Mads and I don't know if I am being silly but I am worried about teaching LL bad habits- it seems I already have!

Food.

Feeding is going well.  LL isn't an incredibly hungry baby and never really cries for milk although she does use me as a comfort when she wakes up in the night I think.

We are generally in a pattern of feeding every 3-4 hours in the day but she never feeds for very long.  I have tried 'tanking' her up to see if that will help her more at night, but it doesn't seem to happen.

She also never really has cluster fed like Mads did.

I can't believe that in around 8 weeks we will be thinking about weaning.  That is such a scary thought.  Time please slow down.

To my Dearest Mads,

Another month has gone by, and with it brings another month full of adventures and excitement.   My first born baby girl is now 29 months, it is just going so quickly.  You are racing towards being 2 and a half, every month I say it but I wish it would slow down.

Every month obviously sees you doing more things, getting just that little bit older and more independent.  We have cracked the potty training pretty much, you are almost completely dry during the day, except for the odd accident if we around other children as you seem to get absorbed in what is going on and forget to go.  At night we still wear nappies, but there is no rush.  I am so proud of you for taking to wearing big girl knickers like such a pro- you are the first of our little group of friends to do it.  Not that it is a race, or a competition, but I am still very proud of you.

Talking of doing things at the same time as your friends, you are probably one of the only one's whose still in a cot.  I can't bring myself to move you out of it yet, I am sure you would be fine, but at 29 months are still napping 2-3 hours in the afternoon and 12-13 at night.  I am not ready to have anything tempt fate so for the time being you are staying in your cot.  But your big girl room and bed is ready, set up and waiting for you when the time is right.

You are becoming more of a diva as the month's go by.  You certainly know what you want and can get quite angry or upset if things don't go your way.  Sometimes you wind me up so much and I can lose my patience with you when all you are doing is being hyper or learning how to control your emotions. I am sorry for that Mads, I haven't done this before and I am learning how to discipline you and parent you in the best way I can.  For the most part you are a good girl, but every once in a while we have to give you a time out- you go and sit in the hall and you hate it so you shout 'sorry, sorry', while crying.  It is so hard to leave you out there for a minute or so when you are crying but we have to do it so you will learn you can't always get your own way or do what you want.  

What is funny though is that you have taken to giving your toys a time out- Big George, your supermarket till and your horse have all been shown your wrath and you shut the door on them in the hallway and say 'They have been naughty and are having a time out.'  It is very funny and very cute!

You are still being a fussy eater and I do worry about that, I need to get more efficient at giving you things even if you don't like them to see if you will eventually eat them.  And you are still a big sister in a million, Baby LL is so lucky to have such an affectionate, kind little girl as her sister.  You make me so proud about how you are with her.

This month saw us go on our first holiday as a family of four to a little cottage on a farm in the middle of Yorkshire.  You had a blast, and we have some wonderful memories to take away from it.  You loved the hot tub which you called 'the pool' and had some great fun splashing Daddy and I in there.  You enjoyed the beach and the 2p slot machines and just generally being somewhere new and exciting.  

Speaking of memories, I am well aware that at some point in the not so distant future you may experience something which will be your first memory you can remember when you are older.  I was around two when I had my first distinct memory which was falling through a glass window and cutting my head open!  I am hoping yours will be a nice happy memory, and I am determined to make sure it is.

I want to make sure I give you a childhood full of happy memories, I want you to look back on your childhood days when you are a Mummy like me and say 'You know what, I had the best time.  My Mummy and Daddy did a really great job.'  

You make me smile, you make me laugh, you make me cry, you make me proud, but above all you make me thankful every day.

Mummy loves you more than anything in the world.  But as always you already knew that.

Mummy

xx