In February there are going to be some massive changes going on in our house- we will no longer be a family of three but in fact a family of four. At the moment there is one little person who is the centre of our universe, but soon she will have to share our time and attention with a new baby.
You shouldn’t wish time away. Time is precious and we should live each day fully- since I have become a parent I am even more aware of this. Of course some days aren’t going to be amazing- especially ones where I am stuck at work watching the rain beating down on my office windows, but we shouldn’t take this life we lead for granted, and we most definitely shouldn’t wish the time away. I still can’t believe I have a little girl who is soon going to be two- when I think back to her baby days I find myself forgetting parts, like what routine we used to have and when she did things, and it makes me feel sad.
Sometimes I find it hard to picture what she was like as a newborn. I look at photos of her and of course I remember her like that, but it gets harder as time goes by. I see her as who she is now- this cheeky, loveable little toddler, and I forget what her first laugh sounded like or how she used to wobble into our arms when she was taking her first steps. I can’t remember what it was like to breastfeed her, or the sleepless nights when she was a newborn. The memories are still there, but they just get more blurred as she gets older. I struggle to comprehend just quite how fast the time has gone.
When did she become like this?
I want to freeze time, have her at this age forever, where she is my innocent little girl, and where a kiss from Mummy makes everything better. The way she drinks her milk in the morning and leans over and gives me a cuddle.
Yet at the same time, at 28 weeks pregnant, I am desperate to meet the little person growing in my tummy. This pregnancy is going well, as far as I can tell, and I am not suffering with any horrible symptoms bar the odd ache and pain. I am loving being pregnant, loving feeling Bug move around inside me.
I will lie on the sofa at night and feel her kicking and love every single minute of it. Yet at the same time I just want her here. I don’t massively like pregnancy in terms of the fact I worry- I will just be happier when she is safe and sound in my arms. I want to meet her and start our life as a family of four.
I want to speed time up and wake up and it be my due date.
But yet again there is a little voice inside of me saying ‘Don’t let the time go too quickly- don’t wish the time away.’
Last night the three of us were sat on the bed after Mads had a bath. We had already had a fun time in the bath, she was giggling like crazy because she was splashing us all, and the laughter proceeded into the bedroom where she was giggling over the fact that she was playing hide and seek under the covers. She then asked for her usual ‘family cuddles’ and so we all snuggled up in the dark with her in the middle. She was playing with one of my ears and one of Mr E’s and she said ‘Mummys ear, Daddys ear.’ We lay like this for quite a while and at that moment I wanted to freeze time.
While I know we will have moments like that when there are four of us, at the moment my world is taken up with three. Three of us. We are completely and utterly devoted to each other, and to Mads, and our three works well. We have lovely little routines and traditions. While I have no doubt that Mads will adjust and love our new addition, it won’t be the same as three.
After all how can three and four be the same?
I want to treasure every single moment of us being together, creating these memories, as although Mads won’t remember them, I will remember them forever. The feeling of loving, sharing and growing as parents with our first born, and the feeling of being completely devoted to one little person.
I want to enjoy my pregnancy, to bond with my bump and enjoy every little kick and movement from our second baby. As if all goes according to plan, I think we will stick at two children. To being a four.
But just when I take that moment to realise that time doesn’t need to be rushed, that I should enjoy our time together as a three, that same little voice inside my head says ‘Hurry up time, weeks go faster, I want to meet our new baby.’
And I am back to square one.