My Beautiful Little Bird,
How are you One? On Monday evening of this week we popped your pyjamas on and I fed you as I always do. I then took you into your room and instead of putting you down straight away like I normally do I held you for that little bit longer. I thought back to that same date exactly a year earlier. The night before you were born. It’s always a funny feeling knowing the day your baby is going to be born. I sat there that night knowing all being well you would be in my arms the next day. I woke up the next day with the most incredible butterflies in my tummy as we made our way to the hospital. In a way it still feels like yesterday, not a whole year ago.
I lay on the operating table, just like I did with your sisters and I wished with all my might that you would be born safely. That you would come out crying. And you did, all the worries of the operation taking a long time due to issues with my scar tissue and it was the completely opposite- you were born relatively quickly and came out crying. I cried, tears rolling down my face, just like I had done twice before with your sisters. The months of wishing and waiting for you and I finally got to meet you. My whole body shook, with the combination of nerves, adrenaline, happiness and the relief that you were here.
They took you off for your checks and as they passed you over to me for our very first cuddle you slowly stopped crying, it was like you knew your Mummy already. And since that very first day, since those first few minutes of your little life, you and I have had the most incredible bond. You are my bonus baby, my chance to do it all again when I didn’t think we were going to, and for that reason I have relished every single second of it. I knew it was going to go quickly and I have been willing time to slow down, but here we are and you are one.
Don’t get me wrong it has been hard in parts. But it’s never been too hard. Just the usual things. Those early days when I couldn’t put you down. I’d look at babies on instagram, all wrapped up in their swaddles nestled in cribs next to beautiful flowers and there was me sat there watching You Tube videos on the sofa because I couldn’t put you down without crying. Or those nights where you would wake up again and again and again. You didn’t sleep for months, waking on and off throughout the night. But I knew. I knew that I would miss those days of you lying next to me closely, our bodies entwined as one. And I do. I’d do anything to go back and experience them again. I co-slept with you pretty much from day one which I didn’t really do with your sisters. Whether it was because you were the third baby and I didn’t have the energy to fight the tears when you went back in your crib, or whether it was deep down cause I knew how quick it goes, I slept with you almost every single night until you turned ten months. I really treasure those days, even though at the time they were tough in parts, and I think they only strengthened the love I have for you.
And now my little bird is one. It’s a bit of a cliche but I really can’t believe it. Your first birthday passed in a slightly unremarkable way but it was special none the less. We went to the garden centre with my Mum and your Auntie Paula for lunch and you only had a couple of presents. I also didn’t get time to do a special birthday photoshoot like I did with your little big sister. Sometimes I feel guilty for that, that I don’t have the time as much to take a million photos of you, but it doesn’t mean I don’t care. We have a lot more video of you though and that’s a wonderful thing. The past couple of weeks we have been on holiday in California and you grew up and changed at a remarkable rate. Before we went away you still had your little baby face, but slowly the last week or so it’s seemed more like a little boy’s. I can tell a little what you are going to look like now. You have four top teeth and two bottom ones and finally at long last you are getting some little silky blond locks. Yet at the same time you are still quite little. Everyone who meets you thinks you seem younger than you are. I don’t have many babies to compare you to but it seems that you are quite little for your age.
You are crawling now, but it’s still your own version of crawling. You don’t go up on to your knees,instead just dragging yourself along, but you are getting pretty quick now. You aren’t pulling yourself up at all yet, in fact when we place you on your legs you soon sit back down, you just aren’t strong enough yet. It’s funny because both your sisters were pulling themselves up by this point and Mads was walking at 15 months and LL at just a few weeks after that. Only time will tell to see if you are the same, but you seem like much more of a baby than they were at this stage. But perhaps that is just me being in denial. I know that every stage that comes is wonderful, but I’m really not ready to leave the baby days behind this time. For what is pretty much inevitably going to be the final time. I’m finding it all so emotional, more so than ever before. I haven’t been able to watch the video I made for your birth since the day I edited it just a couple of weeks after you were born, I don’t know when I will ever be ready to watch it without crying. It’s all just so bittersweet, the excitement of what’s ahead but the sadness of this beautiful year we are leaving behind.
All I know is that it is has been the most incredible privilege watching you grow the last twelve months and I truly couldn’t be more thankful that you came into our lives. We all adore you and you make us just that bit happier for being in them. It’s been such a wonderful year.
I love you my beautiful baby bird. Thank you for completing our family. Thank you for being all we could ever wish for.