I have always been an emotional person and have always worn my heart on my sleeve. I get tears in my eyes at pretty much anything, and occasionally I like to have a good old sob as I find it quite therapeutic.
However in pregnancy I definitely get a lot worse. When I was pregnant with Mads I found myself setting up a monthly subscription to help the defenceless animals after watching one of those heart wrenching adverts. I also cried at the chewing gum advert where the cartoon onion gets trapped in the lift. It got a little bit ridiculous and I think Mr E became afraid to talk to me in case I started sobbing over the hoovering not being done. Which did happen. Once.
This time is no exception. Except I now have a child to make matters worse. My toddler makes me cry a lot as it is. Sometimes out of fear, sometimes out of frustration, but most of the time out of pure, hard to explain love. Throw in pregnancy hormones plus a toddler and you get to see my full emotional self come into action.
Adverts still set me off, X factor can always guarantee a tear, and don’t get me started on people speaking about anything emotional at all. I will start to get all teary and then I can start to see people looking at me as my eyes go all wet.
The worst so far this time is when my area manager left our company. I had absolutely nothing against him, but I wouldn’t say I was in emotional turmoil about him moving on to the next stage of his career. Far from it. Yet at our annual meeting a couple of weeks ago, one of my colleagues presented a slideshow of photos of his time in the company, mainly silly ones, accompanied by a sad song. It was all meant to be a joke but for some reason I actually got tears in my eyes. Worst of all my other manager looked behind and saw me and then actually came up to me afterwards and asked me if I was getting emotional. How utterly embarrassing.
This little face is guaranteed to set me off at the moment. I think I got teary when I took this photo at the park, something we do all the time, just because I love seeing the happiness in her face. I tear up when she asks me for kisses, or when I go into her room at night and see her lying there all peacefully. If she learns a new word or does something new, I literally want to burst with pride, and more often than not have to wipe away tears.
Last week Mads had a couple of nights of completely refusing her dinner. Literally to the point where she was trying to throw her whole bowl on the floor. Macaroni cheese on my cream carpet is not something I feel happy about. Tired after a day of work and her pushing me over the edge, I sat at the dining room table and bawled my eyes out. Mr E had to shoo me upstairs because it wasn’t helping matters at all.
I also have become really irrational too. I am extremely lucky that our family friends look after Mads for me when I am at work on a Tuesday and Wednesday. Both of them live about twenty five minutes away from us, so on a Tuesday my Mum picks her up and takes her over and on a Wednesday Paula comes to pick her up and brings her home. On a Tuesday my Mum will bring her back as well normally because her salon is in the same village. Recently I have become a complete wreck about her being in the car without me. Last Tuesday, she was a little late back and I kept constantly ringing my Mum, before having a mini fit that her phone was ringing at first and then went straight to voicemail. In my head I was sure that something was wrong, and by the time she arrived home late I was sat in the kitchen crying.
Mr E told me I needed to get a grip, that I had to relax and realise that I had to let go of her, I do know that and have been back at work almost a year, but it just seems that at the moment I seem to be so emotional over things I wasn’t before.
I can deal with the silly and embarrassing things, I just find it amusing, but I hate it that at the moment I seem to worry a lot more than usual. The other night I had a nightmare and I literally lay in my bed staring at the ceiling from 4am because it scared me and really made me think. As always things always feel so much worse in the middle of the night, and by morning I had forgotten about it.
I definitely have got more emotional since becoming a Mum, but I am just hoping that the dreaded hormones calm down soon. It is costing me a fortune in waterproof mascara.