{The Ordinary Moments 15} #30 ‘Can I Wear My Boy Jeans?’

raising_a_tom_boy

Whenever anyone meets Mads for the first time there are a a list of phrases that I can almost guarantee that they will say, that generic ice breaker list that you generally say when you meet a young child, more specifically a girl for the first time.

‘Wow don’t you have the most beautiful long curls?’

‘What’s your favourite film- is it Frozen?’

‘Don’t you look beautiful in your outfit today?’

‘Whose your favourite Princess- is it Elsa?’

‘What’s your name? Oh it’s Mads- that’s a beautiful name?’

I love people taking the time to talk to my daughter, strangers taking a moment to talk to her when we are paying for our groceries in the supermarket, or old ladies talking to her when we going about our day to day errands in the post office. It’s well meaning, kind and a nice thing to do, and it’s a shame it doesn’t happen more nowadays. But unfortunately any one of those phrases doesn’t guarantee the most welcoming response with my slightly shy four year old- you see she doesn’t do the whole ‘girly’ thing. She doesn’t want to be beautiful, she wants to be cool. She doesn’t like princesses, she loves superheros. She doesn’t really want to confirm to the typical stereotype that’s been placed on her, she wants to find her own way.

For more than a year or so, Mads has shunned the traditional ‘girly’ things little people aged four are ‘supposed’ to like. It started with clothes- her declared hatred for pink which is still strong even now. ‘Pink? Yuuuuuuck’ she used to say when I pointed out clothes that were any shade of pink, instead she went for bright, bold primary colours and blues. Skirts and dresses that were laid out for her in the morning were often greeted with tears in the eyes and a wobbling lip ‘I don’t want to wear a skirt Mummy, I want to wear my ‘boy jeans’- which quite simply weren’t ‘boy’ jeans at all, but just a pair of bog standard blue denim skinny jeans.

I remember a while ago one of my closest friends got married and I was bridesmaid. I needed to be with the bride on her special day, but at one point Mr E rang me to say that Mads was absolutely hysterical about putting on her pink frilly dress and white pumps. Literally hysterical. We got cross with her for it, she was playing up on a day when we needed her to behave. But the reality is I wouldn’t feel comfortable in something that wasn’t ‘me’ so why should we have expected her to? Since then we have started letting her choose her outfits- slogan tee’s were in, as were the odd outfit from the boys department, bright bold colours, and caps and hats, and all the pretty frilly stuff was out. Nowadays she will wear a skirt or a dress, sometimes even asking to wear one, but it really depends on what she deems suitable. Skirts and dresses are ok on her terms. And I am ok with that, I love her quirky sense of style, how she expresses herself through what she wears, and how she is learning to shine just by being herself.

After the clothes came the expressions. Beautiful was not a word that she wanted associated with her. ‘I don’t want to be beautiful Mummy, I am cool.’ Or even sometimes ‘My sister is beautiful, I am cool.’ She turned her nose down at being called ‘cute’ and ‘pretty’. Again as she has got a bit older she has started to understand a bit more. Sometimes I forget and I say ‘Oh you look beautiful Mads’. Because she is. She’s my beautiful daughter. I want her to grow up feeling secure and confident, just as my Mum and Dad did with me. I want to compliment her, make her believe that she is able to do anything. I want to make her feel confident about her appearance, her abilities, her skills and her achievements. But she will still turn to me and say ‘I am beautiful AND cool.’ And that’s good enough for me.

She has boy friends and she has girl friends. Granted her friends are mainly boys, but that’s more to circumstance than her choosing. She has a best friend at nursery who is a girl and I often hear of stories they have created in the play ground. She was most excited about her new school because she learnt the uniform was blue, and once she cried because she received a princess party invitation and didn’t want to go to a princess party, she wanted to go to a superhero one. I used to think of this as perhaps ‘just a phase’ she was going through. But now we are learning to except that if that is the way our little girl wants to be, then that’s just our Mads.

And now Mads oblivious fighting back of gender bias has spread through to almost every aspect of her young life. Princess toys, pink plastic rubbish and pretty, sparkly necklaces that have been bought for her by well meaning family or friends in the past have been tossed aside for Toy Story characters, Spiderman, cars and aliens. And we are just embracing it. My Mum will buy her slime, or Trash Packs or any other strange looking things in the supermarket when she buys her a little treat every now and again. Mads isn’t hugely aware they are for boys and not girls, bar the advertising she sees on TV.

She just likes what she likes.

And I like that she is passionate. I like that she knows her own mind. She is my beautiful little girl, with her long unruly curls and her long eyelashes framing her big blue eyes. But she is my beautiful little girl who is unique, feisty and who is happier not conforming to the typical things that some aspects of society tell her to like at this point in time. And I LOVE her for that. One minute she’s running around pretending to be Spiderman while telling her little sister she is Spiderbaby, and the next minute she’s playing with my ear and telling me that she ‘loves me so much and that I am her best friend forever.’ She’s truly one of the most affectionate little people I know, always wanting to be close to us, and always giving kisses and cuddles and sitting on our laps non stop.

I never went into parenting or motherhood thinking I needed to follow rules. If my daughter is happier being this way, then so be it. I never want her to grow up feeling like she can’t be who she wants to be, that she has to conform. To me she’s a perfect mix. That perfect mix that makes her who she is. So while she wants to be dress up as Woody instead of Elsa, I’ll be right beside her being Buzz. I’ll always respect, support and be proud of her choices.

And if you happen to see my little girl and say ‘What’s your favourite Princess?’ and she pulls a funny face at you, she’s not being rude.

She’s just being her.

My beautiful AND cool daughter who just happens to really, really dislike pink.

raising a tom boy

I took this photo of her yesterday and I just adore it. I love that you can see the freckles starting to appear on her nose.

raising a tomboy1



93 Comments

  • Carie says:

    Beautiful and cool is an awesome thing to be! Long may she continue to know exactly who she is and what she likes because while it might get her the odd quirky look from a stranger in the supermarket now isn’t it exactly the type of personality trait you want her to have as an adult!

  • She is super cool! I always thought having girls I would go down the super girly route but in all honesty we don’t go out and out pink floral to the extreme. Like you I want them to be comfortable as they grow but we already have had a few extreme girly gifts including a singing make up table that sang about putting on make up and looking pretty watch has promptly gone to toy heaven! x

  • Alison says:

    Ahhh this is one of my favourite posts you’ve ever written Katie. (And I’ve read a lot of your posts…)
    It’s so so brilliant that you allow Mads to make choices and embrace her love of superheroes and non-pink things. You and Mr E are such brilliant parents (ooh that was a bit gushy for me…sorry!)
    THis is exactly why I get so cross about retailers gender stereotyping their toys and clothing. Why is slime or Spider Man stuff for boys? Why is pink for girls? I feel so strongly that we shouldn’t put boundaries on our kids – our girls especially – which might sit in their subconscious and affect how they perceive the world – and how they are perceived by others – at school and in working life and relationships. People dismiss the gender thing and say we have bigger things to worry about in life but do you know what? I think when we are talking about our children’s confidence and sense of self, there aren’t many things that are more important than that. Essay over 😉

    • Mummy Daddy Me says:

      Thanks Alison and yes that was gushy for you, I am honoured to have a bit of gushiness! 😉 And I must admit I have never really thought about it before, but writing this has made me think and I totally agree, why should slime be for boys and pink for girls? I agree with you about not putting boundaries on our kids- all we want is for our children to grow up feeling safe, secure and confident. And how they are treated at this crucial period of development is so important. x

  • Mads is utterly perfect, just as she is… beautiful and cool and all the other amazing things in-between. Kids will be who they will be, and it’s our job to help them grow and not shape them into something they aren’t. As you well know, I have a little girl with a passion for fairies but who is also the wildest, craziest, most boisterous thing ever. And then the a boy who is very non-boisterous, an amazing little dancer but desperate to learn how to do keepie-uppies.
    I think all the fun of life is in the contrasts and I think Mads will be far happier choosing her own path in life when she’s been encouraged to be herself right from the get go. x

    • Mummy Daddy Me says:

      Thanks for this Lucy- and I completely agree with you, it is our job to nurture them and help them grow. And choosing their own path is so important for that. x

  • She sounds so similar to my 3 year old although she will wear pink but frilly dresses are a no go she’d much rather be in jeans and a jumper and is obsessed with spiderman! x

  • I was exactly the same when I was little, I had short hair, wore jeans and t-shirts and was happier reading or riding my bike then playing with dolls.
    My daughter on the other hand is the most feminine, princess loving child ever!
    I think the way you’re treating her is perfect, she will grow up knowing she’s loved and her opinions are respected, so important for kids. xx

    • Mummy Daddy Me says:

      Isn’t it funny, you would think they would learn to be like you? I was quite girly growing up but I am neither really now. And she most definitely is loved and her opinions are expected, I hope she always knows that. x

  • Kara says:

    Addy was like this from months old. At first it felt odd but then I gave in and let her wear what made her happy. It worked. She rocked jeans and a tee from tiny.
    Now at 4 we seem to all of a sudden love princesses and pink but I am not all to sure she thinks it is what supposed to like. Cause the dresses she picks are still not super frilly. They are most certainly cool.
    I think like us as adults their personalities should shine through. I wouldn’t wear a pink frilly dress so why should she.

    Love this post x

    • Mummy Daddy Me says:

      It’s funny and I think they are learning and exploring, so we may well get princesses and pink in our future too. I doubt it though! 😉 Although LL loves a good bit of pink! x

  • Mary says:

    She is a little beaut (oh and cool) and I love her style! She reminds me of Vada in My girl – cool and sassy! Its great she knows her mind and wants to break the mould – she will go far x

    • Mummy Daddy Me says:

      Thanks Mary, and yes I think she is a bit like Vada in My Girl too- ooh I loved My Girl you have just taken me on a walk down memory lane! x

  • Love the photographs Katie! Lovely that she is developing her own little sense of style. She IS beautiful and cool!

  • Anna-Marie says:

    Love this post Katie…Its wonderful that Mads is shaping her sense of style and out.. I adore that first photo and that last one made me smile.. a lot.. Mads is so utterly adorable!

  • Kay says:

    She is such a beautiful girl, and it’s amazing she is already embracing her own identity. Long may it continue!!!

    Kay xxx

  • Steph Oakes says:

    Mads is most definitely beautiful and cool!
    Jack is a real mix the other way, he’s obsessed with superheroes, loves playing pirates and football yet wants to eat his dinner off a pink plate and asked Father Christmas for a pink wand for Christmas! To him, pink
    Is just a nice colour xx

    • Mummy Daddy Me says:

      It’s funny isn’t it? These little people of ours are just growing and finding their way in the world I guess. And I agree with Jack, pink is just a nice colour! x

  • Charlotte says:

    Loved this post Kate. Reminds me so much of my youngest – at 2 1/2 yrs old she decided she was a boy called Fred, kept it up for a year before deciding she was a girl again. She loved the Octonauts instead of Peppa Pig, all things blue, sparkles and princesses were def not on her list of loves. 3 years on and she is a little more amenable to embracing her girlie side on occasion, however is happiest climbing trees in ripped jeans rather that partying in princess outfits.

    • Mummy Daddy Me says:

      I love that she decided she was called Fred- what a cool little dude! And I love that she is happiest climbing trees- she sounds like my girl! x

  • HelpfulMum says:

    My daughter is incredibly similar (and the same age). She detests pink with a passion but I did too at that age. In fact, it took me until I was around 21 to wear pink! All the school uniform we have bought for September is trousers and shorts because she wants to look like the boys. You’re doing such a great job, we shouldn’t expect them to fit into certain stereotypes because of their gender. I know that I certainly don’t!

    • Mummy Daddy Me says:

      I don’t mind pink, I wouldn’t say I am especially ‘girly’ but I do love make up and handbags haha! 😉 We most definitely shouldn’t get them to fill certain stereotypes. x

  • Such a beautiful girl, I can imagine how much you want to tell her, and she’s super cool too! Individuality should always be embraced! Ella definitely isn’t a girlie girl either. She loves to climb, and jump, and get dirty, and rarely wears dresses! I love Mads sense of style! X

    • Mummy Daddy Me says:

      Exactly right Sam, individuality most definitely should always be embraced- I hope she remembers that as she goes into her teenage years. x

  • Claire says:

    Oh great post, Katie. This is my Caitlyn to a tee. My other daughters are happy to mix it up a bit more. Her face when she goes up to ask for a pirate sword balloon and gets offered a princess one. Sometimes behaviour wise it can be a struggle. In my eyes they should all be happy to drink out of any colour cup! But this post has made me understand more whypocritical for her it is such a fight. For my more girlier girls they far prefer a paler blue to pink nowadays but for her it has to be dark blue so a trip tp the boys department. I teach her her that we can wear anything but then all her favourite caps, tees, jeans and pirate pjs all have BOY written on then in big capitals on the label. x

    • Mummy Daddy Me says:

      Aw I love that Caitlyn is similar to Mads Claire- and we get the arguments about the shade of cup too! I love that she is embracing her individuality, and it sounds like Caitlyn is doing the same. x

  • Claire says:

    Sorry I mean ‘why’ x

  • Lisa H says:

    i completely agree that however our children are happy is fine by me. My little lady does love pink and is developing a thing for make up atm which is slightly perturbing at four! But if that wasn’t the case I would be absolutely fine. Both my two come home nursery saying pink is for girls and blue is for boys and I am constantly correcting it, I can’t stand to hear things like that!

    • Mummy Daddy Me says:

      Exactly, all we want is for them to be happy. And yes the pink for girls and blue for boys thing is sad- it’s sad it’s ingrained into them at such a young age. x

  • Polly says:

    Love this post Katie! She is super cool. Love that you embrace her as she is and all that entails. My littlest girl has always been super girlie, she’s the one who loves things pink and glittery and princesses. Recently she’s decided she love superheroes too… so now there is a batman tattoo to go with the tutu 😉

    • Mummy Daddy Me says:

      Thanks Polly, we most certainly do. Love that she is rocking a batman tattoo along with her tutu! These little people we are raising are pretty damn amazing! x

  • Oh I love the photographs of her and this is such a fantastic post, I love how she is so full of personality and really knows what she wants. She is a special little lady whatever she wants to wear or play with and she’s lucky to have you to let her express herself. I’m sure it does so much more damage to stifle them or to try and make them conform to what others see as normal…they don’t know any of that. Lucas is obsessed with My Little Pony at the moment and I have to be really careful what I say. The TV show is awful but not because it’s girly…it’s just terrible, he’s obviously heard me muttering about it because he asked me if it was ok for him to watch it! I felt awful then, I would never stop him expressing who he is! It makes me so angry when I hear other parents or children saying ‘that’s for girls’ children would never naturally know that, they just like what they like. xx

    • Mummy Daddy Me says:

      Thanks Hayley, she certainly has got her own little mind and opinions, she is quite the character, like they all are at that age. I love that Lucas loves My Little Pony, I used to love them when I was younger but you are right, the TV show is awful! x

  • The L's Mum says:

    Aw she really is beautiful and cool. I love how she seems to have this real strong personality and it comes through in your writing and I can just picture her not being happy over something pink and frilly. I always love your pictures on instagram of the girls in their outfits and always think to myself how stylish they look. Great post.

    • Mummy Daddy Me says:

      Thank you! And yes she certainly has her own strong personality- sometimes that’s not always a good thing! 😉 x

  • Fab post Katie! Lovely to hear that she has her own mind and is pushing stereotypes! Little B goes places and plays with babies or puts on a skirt and we just say ‘how cool do you look!’ He’s happy and Mads always looks super happy and so funky in her outfit choices! Supporting our kids to be who they are and have the confidence to express themselves in whatever way is our job and it’s lovely to see it fully embraced xx

  • Amy says:

    I just love that she’s not a girly girl and has her own mind and knows what she likes! Holly was a total tomboy growing up and although is a bit more girly now she could take it or leave it and has such a quirky sense of style. Really beautiful post and gorgeous pictures-I love the headshot, her eyes are incredible xx

  • Notmyyearoff says:

    What a lovely complex and adventurous little girl, exactly as it should be. I’d love to put her with my superhero, red heart, Olaf loving little boy. He hates pink too…mainly as he had a bad dream about Peppa, but I reckon they would run about screaming all day pretending they have capes and can fly :)

  • She is beautiful and cool and it sounds like you are doing perfectly letting her embrace what she wants. Baby likes all sorts, pink, tutus, cars, blue, all sorts. Kids should be able to love what they love with no restrictions. She is a smart cookie and is stunning x

    • Mummy Daddy Me says:

      Exactly Aby. There most definitely should be no restrictions when it comes to expressing themselves. x

  • Gorgeous picture of Mads :) it is funny when your children start to really become their own little personalities, with dreams and hopes of their own. Not necessarily what we thought, but absolutely fine nonetheless :) she does look like a very cool kid! :)

    • Mummy Daddy Me says:

      She is super cool and I am super proud of her. And yes it still makes me laugh that mine are proper little humans now! 😉

  • She really is beautiful and cool! I love that she’s getting her own sense of style and not being bound by gender stereotypes. She sounds like such an amazing little person, so confident in who she is, which I’m sure is in no small part down to you as her parents.

    I think gender differences are so ingrained in us that we just can’t help applying them to our children. I’m planning on buying my little boy a doll as I don’t want him growing up thinking that certain games/toys are for girls. Although he does seem to be turning into a stereotypical boy who loves anything with wheels…

    • Mummy Daddy Me says:

      It makes me so proud that she is expressing her individuality I can only hope it lasts as she gets more aware of other people’s reactions. And I do agree with you about the ingrained gender differences. x

  • Sherry says:

    How amazing are your pictures?! I was a tomboy when I was little and even now, I feel so comfy in my jeans and hoody combos. That she is the exception to the ‘rule’ is great, it shows individuality and determination. Love it x

    • Mummy Daddy Me says:

      Thank you Sherry, I love that photo of her close up so much. And you are right, you most definitely can’t beat a comfy hoodie, I am the same. x

  • Such beautiful photos, and I understand where she’s coming from. I’ve never been a girly girl, always prefering jeans over dresses, its lovely that you’re supporting her choices :)

  • Christina says:

    This made me smile because my daughter is definitely a “modern girl” and definitely not a “Frozen” and princess fan. Recently a waiter at a local restaurant kept calling my daughter a “princess” and she kept saying “I am not a Princess! I am a lion!.” She loves being a super hero and loves her jeans. She wants to match clothes with her little brother. Sometimes I find clothes that would look so cute on her (pastel colours) but she does not like them so I have to respect her decision. I want to be happy. Big hug! Keep enjoying your summer holidays.

    • Mummy Daddy Me says:

      I absolutely love that she said I am a lion not a princess Christina- what an awesome little person! x

    • Mummy Daddy Me says:

      I absolutely love that she said I am a lion not a princess Christina- what an awesome little person! x

  • Sounds like a wonderful little girl you have there . Harrison likes a lot of typically boy stuff but he adores fairies and wands and we love that, while it lasts anyway. I adore those pictures, just gorgeous xxx

    • Mummy Daddy Me says:

      Thanks Sian and yes it is lovely while they aren’t aware of society and the stereotypes, I hope it lasts but sadly I don’t know whether it will. And I love these photos too- thank you! x

  • Wow, that first picture of Mads is amazing, it gives me goosebumps! And I love that she is like she is; it reminds me of my own train-obsessed daughter and this fantastic poem called Raspberries by Hollie McNish. Here’s to all girls being exactly what they want to be :-)

    • Mummy Daddy Me says:

      Thanks Anna, I’ve just looked up the poem and it’s perfect- hits the nail on the head. Thanks for sharing it! x

  • Fantastic post Katie, and what I love about this age is that they really do like what they like and don’t care what people think, so go Mads and her princess disdain if that doesn’t float her boat! I hope this strength of character stays with mine when they start school but I do worry that peer pressure will change outwardly what they like *sob*! S loves pink and dresses and Frozen but she is also Spiderman and Hero Turtle mad, loves getting dirty and rough and tumble! Freddie is a vehicle-crazy chap but isn’t interested in Superheroes at all, and is happy playing with their Peppa Pig characters, cooking in their kitchen and having his nails painted! They are both a fabulous mix of ideas and interests and I wouldn’t change that for the world. I hate it when people try and put children in a gender box, it’s so limiting for them. Interesting though, as a child I hated wearing dresses/skirts, playing with dolls or anything ‘princessy’, and was happy in jeans and leggings, playing sport/horse riding and playing with my soft toy animals and lego. Now I would class myself as quite girly and love fashion and make up, so things could change! x

  • This post is amazing! I am so pleased you are embracing just who Mads is. Fantastic writing and as always, gorgeous images.

  • Ann Winters says:

    Mads is absolutely cool and gorgeous! And in such young age and able to be certain of what she likes and wants…! Just sweet and lovely. x

  • Aww Katie, I love this post. I have girls that love being in beautiful dresses but also playing superheroes and annihilating me as they attack me with swords. I think it’s perfect to support her in whatever she chooses. I remember Isis being very ANTI Hello Kitty at one point. Everyone kept buying her Hello Kitty and she was quite rude about it but I just stealthily passed the message around family no more Hello Kitty haha. Mads is stunningly beautiful and exceptionally cool, she will have such an amazing sense of self as she grows because you support her to be herself xxx yay to great parenting, boo to gender stereotypes

  • I love this!!
    She most certainly is beautiful and cool! I love that she is so definitely her own person and unknowingly battling gender stereotypes :)

  • LauraCYMFT says:

    Such a great post. Children should definitely be allowed to be exactly who they want to be. Mads is one cool kid! x

  • Kate✚ says:

    I couldn’t agree with you more. And what an awesome, inspiring little girl Mads is x

  • I love this so much! Why should girls by ‘girly’. It’s fab that she knows her own mind and knows what she likes. And why shouldn’t she? At 4 she is plenty old enough to like what she likes! My daughter is 9 and has never been much of a girly girl either (although she loves dancing) – never liked princesses, dolls or sparkly stuff just because society says she should.

  • Katie this is such a fantastic post! Mads is most definitely beautiful AND cool, and it’s so great that she’s able to express herself! She wears the most awesome clothes, and I love that she’s breaking gender stereotypes without really realising what they are! And what gorgeous photos! Stunning! xx

    • Mummy Daddy Me says:

      Thanks Chantal! And I love these photos. And yes to breaking down stereotypes even though she is oblivious to them! x

  • julie says:

    what a cool little girl and what stunning eyes she has , she is unique and willing to show that she is different and I think that is lovely . I grew up a mixture liking dolls but mostly playing in trees and I loved cars and I chose to play with boys more than girls. I have 3 boys one in his teens and 2 almost in there teens and a little girl who is 4 years old and she is pretty much how I was a mixture and I always tell mine that they are not sheep that we are all different and that’s how it should be.

  • Beautiful photos – thank you very much for hosting it’s my first time to link up :)

  • Hannah says:

    I love this post, Its so important to let children be themselves without any judgement or pressure, she has an amazing and supportive Mummy. Your posts inspire me to be a better mum, its so easy to get caught up in our busy lives, and try and influence our children, instead of letting them be themselves x

    • Mummy Daddy Me says:

      Thank you Hannah- it is so import an you are right. And I know I have been guilty of influencing her unintentionally in the past. x

  • My Two Mums says:

    I love this post so much. I believe in a child being able to comfortably express who they are, whether a girl who wants her boy jeans or a boy who wants a pair of princess shoes because they are blue and sparkly and look cool 😉 We are raising awesome kids who are going to change the world someday, it all starts with knowing who you are.

    • Mummy Daddy Me says:

      Thank you. And I couldn’t agree with you more. We really are raising the most awesome of little people. x

  • Laura says:

    My little girl casually flits between dancing around pretending to be Elsa and dressing up as Spiderman to play super heroes with her cousins. In fact last Halloween she shunned the frilly witch costume I had for her to wear for her nursery fancy dress day and insisted on wearing the Spiderman costume instead. I love that she did this. I hate stereotypes and am so proud that there seems to be a new generation of girls on a mission to rebel against them!

  • Brilliant! I love it when they start to gain a sense of their own style. It can take a while for some and so immediate for others. She is beautiful though but I do believe that doesn’t be ‘girly’ it simply means beautiful – there are so many connotations that we have placed on words. Interesting that she would call them ‘boy jeans’ isn’t it? Jeans are jeans! x

    • Mummy Daddy Me says:

      I know that’s whats so interesting – that she called them boy jeans when we have never mentioned that to her. True about the connotations on words too. x

  • Alice says:

    My two often wear ‘boys clothes’ – Little O will only wear boys PJs (and always ask what the ‘pocket’ at the front is for on the bigger sizes she now has!)

    This is such a lovely post, you’re girls are growing into such wonderful young ladies

  • I love this SO much Katie! Beautiful and cool is a great way to be. I love that kids don’t pay any attention to these silly stereotypes that we have, and just be who they want to be. It would be great if we could all just be ourselves in that way, wouldn’t it? xx

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