Guilt

on Monday, 02 July 2012.

When I was due to be going back to work in October after having Mads, I had a 'friend' who wasn't returning to her job who made me feel so guilty. Each time we mentioned work, or going back, she would say

'Aren't you going to miss Mads?'

'Can't you make some financial cuts?'

'I don't want some one else bringing up my baby.'

She would say this every single time I saw her, until in the end I stopped seeing her as much. Although we are still friends, I certainly feel a bit strange around her now. It wasn't just me she did it too, she once told a lady at our baby group 'Don't you feel guilty for stopping breastfeeding- couldn't you have tried a bit longer?' I don't think she meant things maliciously, but she just didn't think before she opened her mouth.

For ages, I felt the strongest sense of guilt.

Was I a bad Mummy? I couldn't afford to make any cut backs, I had to go back to work, but I sure as hell felt bad for it. And then when I went back I felt even worse. As I actually enjoyed it, I enjoyed the two and a half days I spent away from her. I wanted a career and I wanted to be successful. I still had four and a half days with her and I enjoyed the balance.

Guilt is one of the hardest parts of being a parent for me. I know you shouldn't listen to others, after all how you raise your child is up to you. But you can't help it.

I am a terrible cook, and after spending hours slaving in the kitchen cooking up disgusting bits of puree for Mads when she was weaning, I gave up. I gave her a pouch and she woolfed it down. From then on I did a mixture of half fresh food and half bought pouches- and we were happy. But I still heard the familiar lines from friends saying 'X eats nothing but organic fresh food.'

And that familiar feeling of guilt came creeping back.

Even now Mads is older it is there. When I hear a friend say that they have gone somewhere nice for the weekend and we can't afford too. I feel guilty.

When I go out for lunch with a friend and leave Mads at home with Mr E, I feel guilty because I am actually enjoying the time away from her. I always love coming home too her, but I feel guilty for having fun without her there.

When I see friends doing amazing arts and crafts with their children and I don't have an arty bone in my body. I feel guilty.

That's the thing. As a parent, there will always be things that make us feel guilty- whether thats our financial situation, our work situation or our home life. However I look at my little girl- the way she giggles when you chase her, the way we have fun playing in the house building towers and cuddling dolly. The way her little face lights up when I come home from work. And I know.

I know she is happy. She is loved. She is protected. And she couldn't be more wanted.

So I may not be the best cook, or the most creative, or for the next couple of years until our mortgage rate drops money may be a little tight. But looking at my little girl I know what she is thinking.

I am the best Mummy in the world.

A couple of weeks ago, I sat in a focus group with some other mothers where we talked about the biggest challenges that face us as parents. We had children of all different ages and our challenges were all very different. Some worried about the world we live in, body image and a lot worried about money. But it just goes to show us that as parents we all face challenges.

What is your biggest challenge as a parent? If you let me know below, you could win a £25 Amazon voucher.

Giveaway ends on Monday 9th July at midnight.

Disclaimer- I attended a focus group at Brit Mums Live and got paid to attend and to write a post on parenting challenges. However my thoughts and opinions are completely my own.

Tags: Guilt, Parenting

Comments (29)

Brinabird

02 July 2012 at 08:41 | #

This was a really beautiful post. Guilty thoughts are always at the back of my mind and like you I can't help but sometimes compare and think that I might be doing this all the wrong way. My greatest challenge is realising that I can't be the perfect parent who does everything right for their son with no help and support. I have had to teach myself to let go, allow my family and friends to help out and give me a break. It's not just about being there physically for my son but emotionally as well. It's about learning to be a mum, a wife and be ME!

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- Mummy Daddy and Me makes Three
  
  08 July 2012 at 15:56 | #
  
  Thank you and thank you for your honest comment. I think we all have an element in us that is hard to let go and accept help. x
  
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Lindsey

02 July 2012 at 08:50 | #

My biggest guilt is that I'm ill at the moment and I'm at home with my little boy and really finding it a challenge to entertain him without wiping myself out. Bless him, he wants me, to talk to me, to play all day with me. I love him for it but I really need peace and quiet, rest and solitude.
I feel so guilty for this because I'm mommy first but I will not get well without rest and he needs me to be well. I have been getting help from family. But still the guilt remains.

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- Mummy Daddy and Me makes Three
  
  11 July 2012 at 19:42 | #
  
  It is hard isn't it, we all need a break though sometimes. x
  
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HELEN

02 July 2012 at 09:40 | #

you don't need to feel guilty at all, you are doing a great job & you need time away from Mads, it makes you a more interesting & happier person...if you're happy she will be happy x
My biggest parenting challenge at the moment is getting Jack to the toilet, taking pants & trousers down, willy in...all at the same time as holding his cast up in the air! Thankfully this phase will pass & I will back to the pre-teen challenges that I'm faced with now! x

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- Mummy Daddy and Me makes Three
  
  11 July 2012 at 19:42 | #
  
  Poor Jack in his cast. :(
  
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Mum2BabyInsomniac

02 July 2012 at 10:19 | #

I didn't have to go back to work and am incredibly grateful for it but at the same time I feel guilty because I maybe don't play with Iyla as much as I should. I think either way, we feel guilty about something! You don't need to though because like you said, Mads is a happy and incredibly loved little girl :)

My biggest challenge at the moment is trying not to get snappy and stressed when Iyla is being demanding! She has taken to asking for things five million times in a whiny voice, it makes me want to scream! xx

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- Mummy Daddy and Me makes Three
  
  11 July 2012 at 19:43 | #
  
  They are at a very demanding age arent' they? Gorgeous but demanding! x
  
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Lauren

02 July 2012 at 10:58 | #

Our biggest challenge has been facing criticism from family members. We've had a lot of relationships break down because of how they treated me because I wasn't parenting how they wanted me to (don't cosleep, don't feed on demand, don't tell us we can't smoke in front of your child)
I've even had a few Facebook statuses which were obviously aimed at me calling me a bad mother. Its been a really really tough 3 years and I have no idea how long it will go on for.
It's been lonely and hard without that family support and knowing they are saying such horrible things about me when actually I've done a very good job with the boys.

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- Mummy Daddy and Me makes Three
  
  11 July 2012 at 19:45 | #
  
  That must be really hard Lauren. From what I have seen you are an amazing Mummy but it must be really hard with out family support. Unfortunately people seem to find it easy to pass judgement on other peoples parenting skills. You have done a fab job. xx
  
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Danielle

02 July 2012 at 12:59 | #

For me it's getting the balance right on my days off, between spending time with my boy and getting the housework done. I know that if I get the house sorted on my days off we can all spend quality time together as a family at the weekend, but then I feel guilty at not doing enough fun things with my boy. Like you say though, part of being a mother is the guilt factor and if I wasn't worrying about this it would be something else!

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- Mummy Daddy and Me makes Three
  
  11 July 2012 at 19:46 | #
  
  It is really hard to get the balance between work, spending time with them, and housework. I know that I really struggle with this so I can sympathise. x
  
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Kateland

02 July 2012 at 13:16 | #

I don't know if people would consider me to be a mother yet....as I'm due on September the 18th. Having looked forward to the day I'd be a Mum for as long as I can remember I can't help feel immense guilt that I've done wrong by my son by having a baby with a man that doesn't Love his mother. I pray my little boy still has a special bond with his daddy & I have the strength to put my own wants aside & be a wonderful mummy.

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- Kateland
  
  02 July 2012 at 13:18 | #
  
  Baby brain! I meant have a baby with someone who doesn't love me! His sons mother!
  
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  - Mummy Daddy and Me makes Three
    
    11 July 2012 at 19:47 | #
    
    I am sure you will, and your little boy will love you and his Daddy just the same as if you were together. Thank you for your very honest comment. x
    
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Notmyyearoff

02 July 2012 at 13:33 | #

I've started avoiding those that make me feel guilty too. It's hard enough making decisions for your baby without someone making you feel guilty about it. I think my biggest challenge is trying to pack in quality time with Z around part time working and generally doing house stuff. At the weekend I could quite easily glue my bum to the sofa but its our only proper family time so we try to make the most of it!

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- Mummy Daddy and Me makes Three
  
  11 July 2012 at 19:47 | #
  
  This seems like a struggle for lots of working Mum's. I know i really struggle with this. It is really hard to get the balance right. x
  
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Carolina J.

02 July 2012 at 15:00 | #

My challenhe is my teenage son! God, its difficult with him now! Being with the baby is an absolute bliss and such a rest compared to our constant battles with my son...

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- Mummy Daddy and Me makes Three
  
  11 July 2012 at 19:48 | #
  
  Gosh I can sympathise, I remember what I was like as a teenager, I bet it is hard. It can only get better... ;) x
  
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Lisa @ hollybobbs

02 July 2012 at 15:30 | #

My biggest challenge is making quality time for both children and finding a bit of time for me and hubby! When H was a baby I could give her all the attention but baby J can't have that, and on the other end H can't have all the attention she is used to. I wish I could split myself into a few pieces sometimes!

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- Mummy Daddy and Me makes Three
  
  11 July 2012 at 19:49 | #
  
  It must be hard with a toddler and a newborn. I bet you are doing an amazing job though hun. x
  
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Leanne Edwards

02 July 2012 at 19:57 | #

Anazingly honest post.
I think the hardest thing is the worry. The worry in doing it wrong. I'm screwing him up. That he's not speaking as I work 3 days a week. That I haven't cooked an amazing meal for my family. That we have hardly any money. That his eating is fussy. That he's not potty trained. That he watches too much tv. That we won't cope with a 2nd. That I shouldn't enjoy my time at work. That I should be at home with him.
The worry is what gets me!

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- Mummy Daddy and Me makes Three
  
  11 July 2012 at 19:49 | #
  
  Thank you. I think worry is such a huge part of being a Mummy, I worry constantly. I worry about her development and the time I spend with her, what she eats and how she acts. I am sure you are doing an amazing job. x
  
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gemgemmum

02 July 2012 at 20:32 | #

All mums feel guilty about whatever choice we make. Mads seems a happy,loved girl.
Can't imagine people like that,lucky not to have met any yet. I work part time,have some friends who don't work and some full time.we each do our best.
I worry that i don't play as much as daddy and am trying to spend more time and worry less about housework as gemma will only be little for a while.
Great post.
Sam x

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- Mummy Daddy and Me makes Three
  
  11 July 2012 at 19:50 | #
  
  Thanks Sam. And your worries sound totally normal- I know I worry about them a lot. I am definitely not as fun to play with as Daddy, but I know that I am the first one she comes to when she needs a cuddle. Sometimes. :) x
  
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Boo Roo and Tigger Too

04 July 2012 at 12:06 | #

Dividing my time between Roo and Tigger. I feel as though I leave Roo to get on with things whilst I am sorting Tigger out. I worry that she feels I love him more because he requires more attention than she does.

@littleboo_21

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- Mummy Daddy and Me makes Three
  
  11 July 2012 at 19:51 | #
  
  I can imagine it is hard with two. I think it is only natural though. And just think, you are giving them the most amazing gift- each other. And that bond is just incredible. x
  
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Emma The Mini Mes and Me

05 July 2012 at 14:49 | #

The biggest challenge for me is letting go. The kids are getting to the age where they want to play outside and walk to school by themselves and it is so hard to get that balance between giving them freedom to grow, build responsibilty and trust with needing and wanting to protect them from the bad things in the world.
I find it really hard, they are still my babies and the thought of the dangers out there and them getting taken or hurt is horrible. But at the same time smoothering them and keeping them locked away isn't beneficial to them either.
xx

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- Mummy Daddy and Me makes Three
  
  11 July 2012 at 19:52 | #
  
  I can imagine how hard this is, and I do worry about this stage even though it is a long way off for me. The world is a scary place nowadays but you have to let them live it to a certain extent. Good luck. x
  
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