My Little Love Story- Part Five- My New Life Without You.
Read Part One- The Day We Met- here.
Read Part Two- Getting To Know Each Other- here.
Read Part Three- Moving In- here.
Read Part Four- Just Friends?- here.
The day I moved in with my then boyfriend should have been a happy one but instead I couldn't help but feel incredibly sad that I wasn't going to be living with my good friend Mr E. He had sent me a beautiful letter saying that he needed to try and accept the fact we were never going to be together and I had sent him one in return saying that I felt a little jealous about the fact he had gone on a few dates with a girl, the first proper one since we had met, but that nothing would change any time soon however we felt.
I felt incredibly guilty. My then boyfriend was a really nice guy and deep down I think he knew that Mr E and I just had this incredible bond, but he wasn't willing to accept defeat. He tried his best to keep my affections but was fighting a losing battle. I didn't want to hurt him, however, and I tried my best to keep my feelings too myself, however it wasn't long before we were just good friends living in a flat together. In fact that was pretty much all we ever were. I felt incredibly scared because we had only just signed the agreement, I wanted out but I couldn't bear to say it. We shouldn't have ever moved in with each other but I some how seemed to have got lost in the flow of it all because of a few different things that I was going through at the time. I was only young and rushed things all a bit too quickly.
I couldn't get the fact that Mr E was seeing a girl out of my mind. It turns out they only went on a couple of dates but in my mind it was a lot more than that and I didn't want to come outright and ask him. I remember one Sunday afternoon a few of us were in the bar, I was working and Mr E was in there with the girl and a few of our friends. I was too busy watching them than working and I saw him lean down and touch her hand and leave it there for a few seconds. Nothing much, but to me it was an incredibly gentle and personal gesture. I felt physically sick and counted down the seconds until I could go home, I could feel tears pricking at the side of my eyes. I kept saying to myself why should I feel like this when I was the one living with my boyfriend?
I rushed out without saying goodbye to anyone once my shift had ended and within a few minutes Mr E had rung me to ask why I had left without saying anything to him. I ended up blurting it out, saying I was finding it hard to deal with and that I just didn't know what to think. He told me to stop being so silly, that I was with someone else and that he had only been on a couple of dates with the girl. Obviously we couldn't meet at home anymore where I was being watched constantly so we agreed to go for a walk along the canal the next day.
Back at home I wrestled with my emotions. It sounds dramatic but I was frightened as I had only just moved in with my boyfriend, and ultimately I didn't want to hurt him. He knew deep down it wasn't right but I was his first proper girlfriend and I think he liked the idea of us more than anything. I knew I was entering dangerous territory as we all were mutual friends but I just couldn't help the way I felt.
I met Mr E the next day by the canal near where he was living with a friend for a few weeks until his house sale completed. Looking back it was funny really because I had come to all his house viewings with him and all the estate agents thought we were together. I met him and instantly gave him a hug- I remember feeling the most incredible range of emotions in that hug, it still gives me goosebumps just thinking of it. It was so charged full of electricity- sexual tension, love, friendship, and anticipation.
He told me that he would be with me in an instant if I would just let him but I needed to sort my own feelings out. I knew what I was doing was wrong but I couldn't help myself.
I just didn't know what to do...