I remember when I first became pregnant with LL, or even when we thought about having another child, I couldn't possibly imagine my heart expanding enough to love another baby as much as I did Mads.  

I have a little sister and I always joked to my Mum 'Which of us is your favourite?'  Even when I was young, I thought you couldn't possibly love your children exactly the same- surely my Mum sneakily was more fond of me because I was the first born, or had more of a bond with Anna because she was the baby?

I wasn't worried- I knew I would love our new baby more than anything, but there was still a tiny shed of doubt in my mind about the dynamics of having two children.

And of course, the second I held LL for the first time, in fact the second I first heard her cry, just like that my heart expanded and I loved her just as much as her sister.  

Mads is my 'big girl' and LL is my 'baby girl'.

But it is hard to describe the love I feel for my little ladies, and in a way it is different, yet at the same time it is totally the same.  

Mads is my first born and I had two years of her being our everything.  I nervously watched her grow and achieve her milestones, and I consulted 'Dr Google', my Mum and friends to make sure I was doing a good job.  She is growing into a cheeky, wonderful little girl and I couldn't be any more proud of her.  In a way my love for her has grown even more since LL came along as she is so affectionate and caring towards her sister.  She is just incredible.

But LL...well she's my baby.  And I am 99% sure she is our last baby.

I feel more confident as a Mummy.  Of course I worry about her, I take her temperature far more often than I need too, and I wake up in the night to check she is breathing.  I still consult Dr Google.  But I feel like I know that I am doing a good job this time around.  After all, her sister is turning into a lovely little person.

I am more relaxed, as a mother, and about routine.  She still sleeps downstairs with us in the evening, and I am in no hurry to stop our evening snuggles.  She doesn't go in her moses basket for nap times, instead snuggling next to me on the sofa or in my arms.  I have probably made a rod for my own back for the future but at the moment she is a very chilled out baby.

I am relishing every single cuddle, feed and smile.  With Mads I had the luxury of being able to do that all day long, but with LL I obviously have Mads to look after now too.  

For some reason it makes those little moments even more special.

A lot of the time life revolves around Mads, she is more demanding of our attention, and we cater to her needs at the moment.  I will put LL on the sofa and realise that I haven't even looked at her for 10 minutes.  But when I do catch her eye she gives me the biggest smile as if to say 'I am here Mummy and I am ok.'  And that smile just gives me shivers, she really smiles with her eyes.

I can't really explain it but this added confidence, these snatched special moments, and the fact that she is more than likely going to be the final baby in our family, means that I am finding this stage just so intense and incredible.  My heart aches for her and I cannot explain the way she has completed our family. 

With Mads, I was more than happy to express milk so my Mum could have her while we went out occasionally, and I loved that she was so independent and went to anyone.  It made me proud that I had a chilled out, relaxed, independent baby.  But with LL, I just want her close to me.  I want to enjoy every milk coma cuddle, every sleepy stretch and every gummy smile.  

She may be a very tiny little person but she has filled a very BIG role.

She has made our family complete and stolen the remainder of my heart.  She has created love and emotions I didn't even know existed, and I certainly didn't think I would feel.

She is my gorgeous, smiley, chilled out little lady.  The little sister to my beautiful big girl.

She's my baby.  And she's the missing piece.

And that makes her very special indeed.

Click on the image for the source credit.

Since becoming a Mummy I have become seriously emotional.  That is not to say I wasn't before.  I have always been a crier.  Whereas some people bottle it up and keep their feelings to themselves, I have always worn my heart on my sleeve.

I like to think it is because I am caring and selfless but really I think I am just a big cry baby!  I cry at literally everything.  Anything can set me off- one of my friends telling a happy story about their children- I will get tears in my eyes.  Looking at photos will make me tear up- all the memories.  Even the emotional staged sob stories on X Factor will have tears streaming down my face.  Crying doesn't just mean I am sad- whether I am happy, angry, disappointed, embarrassed or scared, all these emotions will inevitably result in me having a little moment.

Take some examples.  

When Mr E proposed I was so excited I burst into tears.  Not just a little demure little tear sliding down my face.  No- full on sobs where I was gasping for breath and had bogies forming in my nose.

The only time I have ever had a full on fight with a friend was with one of my friends at university who I had found out had slept with my ex boyfriend.  The unwritten rule that you just don't do.  She didn't have the guts to tell me to my face which is what hurt the most.  We ended up getting into a huge argument as she was still denying it and I got so angry I was shouting.  She actually looked a little frightened as I am not normally like that- until I started sobbing while still shouting to get my point across.

Just before I went on maternity leave I was really angling for a pay rise at work- they hadn't given me one for a while and I really did deserve one.  I went into the office, all professional in my nicest work outfit, ready to stand my ground and prove to them that I was a top class employee who deserved to be recognized.  All was going well until halfway through my speech I burst into tears.  Luckily my then manager was lovely and went out to get me a tissue!

So there you have it.  Total emotional wreck.  In all seriousness, I totally agree with the above quote.  I think that when I cry- it is only because I care. I am an incredibly passionate and emotional person and often I can't quite get those feelings across in the way I want too and I end up crying as I am so emotionally charged.  Since having Mads however I am even worse.  I can't even begin to watch anything on poorly or hurt children, and I think becoming a Mum has made me somehow even more in tune with other people's feelings.  I also follow so many lovely blogs and some of their posts make me get tears in my eyes on a regular basis.  The worst so far has to be this one. I cried thinking about my wonderful Dad and cried thinking about Mr E and Mads- by the end of the post I was literally sobbing my heart out.  Happy tears though.

Crying aside, I do believe having my gorgeous little girl has made me a better person.  That might sound cheesy but it is true.  It is like I want to be a better person for her.  Not that I was a bad person before- far from it, but having Mads has made me less quick to judge other people for their actions and it has made me more forgiving as well.  I am less likely to get worked up over the little things and overall I think she has made me more positive.  Whatever happens we have always got her, and she is truly priceless.  I didn't think it was possible for my heart to feel so much love- and that feeling is bound to be a little emotional at times.

Is anyone else like this or is it just me?