I sat down on my sofa, diet coke in one hand, chocolate buttons in the other, to write a post about how tired I am. Seriously tired. Exhausted even. My lovely LL, the one I bragged about on this blog, saying what a good sleeper she was and how she was sleeping through? That same baby has now decided sleep is for the weak. That same baby has decided she likes to party in the evenings...and the only guest she wants to party with is her Mama.
But as I sat down to write this 'woe is me, I am so tired' post, I decided actually I am kind of over it. Yes I am tired. Yes I look like crap. Too many late nights, night waking and bad eating habits has meant that it is really catching up on me. When I look in a mirror- all I see is sunken eyes, dark circles and seriously dehydrated skin. I see wrinkles beginning to form. I look down at my tummy and see a flabby belly that I don't have the motivation or the inclination to get rid of.
Does it matter?
There is truth in aknowledging feelings and yes I do feel a bit overtired, emotional and bleugh with myself occasionally at the moment. There are some mornings when I wake up and I just think 'my god this is going to be a long day.' There are some afternoons where I literally scoop Mads up and run her upstairs for her nap, just so I can get some peace. Or I feed LL so much more than I probably should because I just want her to go.to.sleep.
I don't feel like I ever get a moment to myself, and I don't remember the last time I actually cared about getting dressed up or making an effort. Sometimes I want to just hide indoors rather than face the effort of getting them in and out of the car.
Sometimes I feel like I want to have a good old cry for no reason in particular. Tiredness maybe? Feeling a bit bleugh and not having much confidence in myself from time to time? Worrying about money while on maternity leave? Who knows? But I think having a good cry is like an emotional clear out. It makes me feel refreshed and rejuvinated.
And if you don't ever feel a little emptiness from time to time, for whatever reason, then you wouldn't ever know the satisfaction of feeling full again.
And I have a huge amount to feel full about.
My heart is so full for my small people.
Yes motherhood can be exhausting. But it is also completely and utterly intoxicating.
I lay in the bath with my children tonight. LL was sitting on my tummy- my flabby, doughy tummy that is still numb from my section; on the red, raised, slightly purple scar that is the constant visual reminder of the two most important and happy days of my life.
I looked down at it, and then I looked up at her. The way the water was dripping down her back, past the little tuft of languno hair just above her bottom that hasn't quite disappeared yet. The way her eyes lit up and she visibly shook with excitement when her sister was splashing.
And I looked at my big girl, who was giggling because I kept pretending to jump when she dropped a bottle of shampoo off the side into the bath. The way she threw back her head and laughed, her beautiful blue eyes dancing from side to side.
And I realised something.
It's ok to have tough days as without the tough ones we wouldn't treasure the good ones. It's ok to look at the dark circles under my eyes and feel a bit crap about it, because those dark circles signify night time snuggles with a little lady who one day won't need them anymore. It's ok to feel a bit rubbish about my tummy, as that tummy gave birth to these amazing little girls who I am thankful for every day.
It's ok to look at my house, with its windows that are smeared with toddler dirt and think 'Crap they need a clean.' Because those smears mean that my toddler is having fun, exploring and growing. It's ok if Mads has a horrific meltdown occasionally, because it makes me feel proud when shes a little angel. It's ok to have days where you seem to suck at this parenting malarky, because it makes you appreciate the days that you feel like a superhero.
It's ok to make the odd mistake, because then you get to learn from them.
It's ok to take time to recognize these things from time to time. To feel a bit sorry for yourself, just for a minute. Because then you take a step back and realise just how lucky you are.
That life might not be perfect, but it is your perfectly imperfect life.
And that there may be challenging moments....
But for all those challenging moments?
There are are a million amazing ones.
And that's more than ok.
On this exhausting, intoxicating journey that is parenthood.
A rubbish quality iPhone snap, but it kind of illustrates our days together. Me and my little ladies.