To my Dearest Mads,

Another month has gone by, and with it brings another month full of adventures and excitement.   My first born baby girl is now 29 months, it is just going so quickly.  You are racing towards being 2 and a half, every month I say it but I wish it would slow down.

Every month obviously sees you doing more things, getting just that little bit older and more independent.  We have cracked the potty training pretty much, you are almost completely dry during the day, except for the odd accident if we around other children as you seem to get absorbed in what is going on and forget to go.  At night we still wear nappies, but there is no rush.  I am so proud of you for taking to wearing big girl knickers like such a pro- you are the first of our little group of friends to do it.  Not that it is a race, or a competition, but I am still very proud of you.

Talking of doing things at the same time as your friends, you are probably one of the only one's whose still in a cot.  I can't bring myself to move you out of it yet, I am sure you would be fine, but at 29 months are still napping 2-3 hours in the afternoon and 12-13 at night.  I am not ready to have anything tempt fate so for the time being you are staying in your cot.  But your big girl room and bed is ready, set up and waiting for you when the time is right.

You are becoming more of a diva as the month's go by.  You certainly know what you want and can get quite angry or upset if things don't go your way.  Sometimes you wind me up so much and I can lose my patience with you when all you are doing is being hyper or learning how to control your emotions. I am sorry for that Mads, I haven't done this before and I am learning how to discipline you and parent you in the best way I can.  For the most part you are a good girl, but every once in a while we have to give you a time out- you go and sit in the hall and you hate it so you shout 'sorry, sorry', while crying.  It is so hard to leave you out there for a minute or so when you are crying but we have to do it so you will learn you can't always get your own way or do what you want.  

What is funny though is that you have taken to giving your toys a time out- Big George, your supermarket till and your horse have all been shown your wrath and you shut the door on them in the hallway and say 'They have been naughty and are having a time out.'  It is very funny and very cute!

You are still being a fussy eater and I do worry about that, I need to get more efficient at giving you things even if you don't like them to see if you will eventually eat them.  And you are still a big sister in a million, Baby LL is so lucky to have such an affectionate, kind little girl as her sister.  You make me so proud about how you are with her.

This month saw us go on our first holiday as a family of four to a little cottage on a farm in the middle of Yorkshire.  You had a blast, and we have some wonderful memories to take away from it.  You loved the hot tub which you called 'the pool' and had some great fun splashing Daddy and I in there.  You enjoyed the beach and the 2p slot machines and just generally being somewhere new and exciting.  

Speaking of memories, I am well aware that at some point in the not so distant future you may experience something which will be your first memory you can remember when you are older.  I was around two when I had my first distinct memory which was falling through a glass window and cutting my head open!  I am hoping yours will be a nice happy memory, and I am determined to make sure it is.

I want to make sure I give you a childhood full of happy memories, I want you to look back on your childhood days when you are a Mummy like me and say 'You know what, I had the best time.  My Mummy and Daddy did a really great job.'  

You make me smile, you make me laugh, you make me cry, you make me proud, but above all you make me thankful every day.

Mummy loves you more than anything in the world.  But as always you already knew that.

Mummy

xx

Last week I picked up a thin green folder with 4 sheets of A4 paper in it.  

Mads pre school application.

At 2 and a half, she can't actually go to our local pre school until 2 years nine months, but due to limited spaces it is best to get the application form in as soon as you can.  

I wasn't aware just quite how much this green folder would stir up strange emotions in me.

I want Mads to go to pre school, I really do.  I have been without her occasionally since she was 11 months old when I returned to work.  I worked three days a week and Mads went to my mum and two incredibly wonderful family friends.  She still does a day and a half a week.

I am used to being without her, I am happy to go on the occasional night away from her (4 times in her little life so far) but pre-school?  

Well that's something else.

Time is going so fast.  Having our lovely LL seems to have reinforced this even more.  It's almost as if LL's arrival has made Mads appear even more grown up overnight.  She is growing that little bit taller, speaking that little bit more, and learning to do new things every day.  

Compared to her little sister, she seems so big.

At 2 and a half, her baby days are well and truly behind us.  I don't see a baby when I look at her anymore. I don't even see a toddler.

I see a little girl.  

And with that little girl I see a glimpse of the future.  Of learning to let her go, just a little at a time.

There will be pre-school.  Then there will be school.  She will lose some of her innocence that makes her who she is.  My little girl who has never ever so much as lashed out at another child.  My little girl who believes in the Easter Bunny, in Father Christmas and who dances around the room to the Bubble Guppies theme tune.

My little girl who sucks her fingers and plays with the ears of whoever will let her when she is tired and needing a comfort.

My little girl who truly believes her Mummy and Daddy are superheros who can do anything.

My little girl who needs her Mummy when she is sad.

My kind hearted, innocent, brave little person who knows nothing of the bad things that can happen in the world.  Who dances naked and shakes her 'bum bum' and who has no issues with body image or confidence.  Who hasn't got a bad bone in her little body.

I have a huge desire to wrap her up in cotton wool and never let her go.  At times I wish I had a large stopwatch that was capable of slowing down time, or even stop it.  To keep my babies the age they are now.  To stop them growing so quickly.

But I can't do that.  

I have to let my big girl take her first steps into the world.  I have to let her go, even slightly, and let her be Mad's.  To find out who she is.  To grow, to learn and to develop into the person she is going to be.

When I hand that small green folder back into our local preschool next week, I need to remember how I am feeling at this moment.  

I need to remember to treasure every single moment with my girls.  Even the everyday moments- the naked dancing, the silly giggles and the tired cuddles.  The little bruised legs poking out underneath her pink tutu and the way her curls bounce when she runs.

I need to fill our days with fun, love and happiness.  So that when she is grown up she can remember these days we spent together, however distant and long ago they may seem.

I need to learn to let her go, let go of her hand and let her take her first steps into the world.  Yes it's only pre school, but it's the start of a long line of things to come.  It may only be an application form, but it's almost like signing a form saying that this first part of our lives and journey together are over.  Starting pre school is like starting another chapter- the chapter where she grows up that little bit more.

The days that we are each other's everything.  That I have to accept her growing up.

She may not look so little anymore.  

But she will always be my baby.

In the latest of my little blog series talking about quotes I love is this one.

I like it because quite simply it sums up why I blog.

To record our life together.  As a family of four. 

Our simple, ordinary life.

Gone are the expensive holidays to Barbados and Miami, gone are the posh dinner's out, and gone is the drinking in trendy bars until it's almost time to get up.

Instead holidays are spent in little cottages near Scarborough, dinners are eaten at Pizza Express and my idea of a good drink is a Diet Coke and reading my book by the fire.

But this is our life.  Our slightly boring, but happy life.

The up's and down's, the good days, the not so good days, and the 'I want to tear my hair out days.'

The tantrums, the fight's, the loving moments and the milestones.

It's about learning, growing and above all loving as a family of four.

It's about putting on our wellies, going out in the cold and miserable weather to jump in the sea,  and it's about not worrying if Mads gets her brand new clothes filthy.  It's about watching her little eyes light up as she jumps in and out of rock pools.  

It's about making unextraordinary moments memories for us to treasure when our little girls are all grown up.

And hopefully that they will treasure too.

When we found out we were having another little girl at my twenty week scan I must admit to imagining two little girls with pretty blondy brown curls running around hand in hand- sharing toys, sharing secrets and of course causing their Daddy a lot of strife!

I knew that Mads would take having a new baby in her stride, she isn't a particularly clingy toddler, in fact she is pretty independent, so I thought that while we might have a bit of jealousy, she would be pretty relaxed about a new sibling shaking up her world.

What I didn't bargain for was that from the very second Mads first clapped eyes on LL when she came to meet her for the first time, she stepped into her role as 'big sister' in more ways than I could ever have imagined.  

I have never been so proud of the way in which Mads has completely embraced LL into our family, and the way she is with her makes my heart melt at least ten times a day.  I have friends with siblings who had said to me that the older one, while not jealous or upset by the arrival of the new baby, just wasn't particularly bothered and didn't pay them much attention.  

This couldn't be further from the case with Mads.  Every morning she comes into our room and calls out for 'Baby LL'.  She asks to cuddle her, she asks me to put her next to her in bed so she can snuggle up next to her and she constantly says 'I love Baby LL- she's my sister,' or 'We are best friends.'

She lies next to her on the sofa and strokes her ear, which is her comfort.  There is nothing better when you are tired than stroking your baby sister's ear!  When she gets up from her nap she always asks to go and see Baby LL.  

She talks to her and includes her in the conversations, say for example we go out she will say 'We are going to the park, aren't we Baby LL?'  Or 'Shall we go home and have lunch Baby LL?'  When people coo over her, Mads will say 'That's my sister.'  

At night time she will always give her a kiss goodnight and say 'Love you Baby LL.'  

I can honestly say she has never shown one single ounce of jealousy or animosity towards her new sister.  The way she is with her is just so kind and caring, she really does love her and I am so proud of her for the way she is with her.  

LL is just starting to notice her now, and I can't wait to see how their bond develops as she starts to get more interactive.  She is starting to give her beaming smiles and Mads always says 'Look Mummy Baby LL is smiling at me.'

I know that as they get older they will fight like cat and dog, after all that's what sisters are for, but I do hope that they will always be the very best of friends.  I really hope that I have given each of them a friend and a companion that they can depend on always and I hope that as they grow up they will stay as close.

It truly is a joy watching them together.  

My gorgeous little ladies.

And my very special sisters.

 ********

Some recent iPhone photos of my lovely sister's.