Being A Mummy To Two.
I have been a Mummy of two for exactly four weeks now. Exactly four weeks ago today I drove to the hospital with Mr E, and at 12.52 our beautiful little lady was born.
While I was pregnant I had a lot of nervous excitement and apprehension about what being a Mummy to two would be like. My heart was full of love for Mads and I couldn't possibly imagine there being enough space for another little person. Would I love her any less than Mads? Would it be tough being a Mummy to two? Would I ever get a moment to myself? How would I logistically juggle two if both were crying at the same time?
I nervously waited to hear LL's first cry. When they pulled her out of me and I heard her gurgly, mucousy first wail, I breathed a sigh of relief. And when they put her in my arms for the first time, my heart instantly expanded as I felt an overwhelming amount of love for her. In many ways, the love was stronger than when I first had Mads as I felt more confident and able as a Mummy, and also because I truly felt like our family was complete.
Now the first couple of weeks have passed, I can't believe my luck. I keep having to pinch myself that it is real and that I do indeed really have two beautiful girls. I need not have worried about having enough love to go round, I just instantly fell in love with this little person.
Watching Mads with her little sister has made my love for her grow even stronger. I am immensely proud of the way she has adjusted to having to share us- not once has she shown even an ounce of jealousy towards LL. She cuddles her, kisses her, constantly asks to play with her ear, and always goes to see her when she is lying in her moses basket. I cannot wait to see their bond develop, grow and strengthen with time. That excites me more than anything else.
Of course it isn't always easy. Both myself and Mr E are very tired, all part and parcel of having a newborn who is unsettled with wind and adjusting to life in her new world. I really hope that LL's wind problems pass soon as she has some moments of crying and distress that are hard on all of us. There have been times when I have lost my patience with Mads quicker than I would have done before due to being tired, and then I always feel so incredibly guilty.
Sometimes when Mads is in hyper mode and LL is crying and unsettled, I just want to burst into tears and go and hide in the car. I wonder when I will ever have a proper nights sleep again, and I do worry about the logistics of going out for lunch with friends and days out with the two of them when I can drive again after my c-section. Occasionally I feel like I am confined to the sofa feeding LL and I just want to play with Mads, but luckily she has always played so well on her own, or she is happy to cuddle up next to us.
Life needs to be more organised than it was, I don't get much chance to relax in the evenings as LL is still downstairs with us until we go to bed, and the washing machine is constantly on due to an immense amount of baby projectile vomiting.
But through all the crying, sleepless nights and extreme exhaustion, I have this incredible feeling of utter joy. That the dark circles, stained vomity clothes and fluctuating hormones are one hundred percent worth it. I get to experience the gorgeous newborn days again, but with the added extra of knowing what I am doing. Of knowing that it doesn't last forever and to relish every single curled up, snuggly cuddle. Of knowing that the sleepless nights will all soon all just be a blur.
Of having the privilege of watching these two wonderful girls grow. And of knowing in my heart that they will be the best of friends.
A good friend of mine once said to me that having two children is hard work, but not double the hard work. But it is double the amount of joy.
And I have to agree.
I am walking around with this feeling of completeness. A hazy, exhausted feeling of capturing every single moment of this wonderful journey with these two beautiful little people I have helped create.
Of being a Mummy to two.