mummy-daddy-me-header

The First Time I Held My Babies...

on Friday, 22 February 2013.

When I was younger I had a doll called Jessica.  She didn't really look like a baby doll, more like a toddler one, she had long blond hair and I used to brush it for hours and put clips in it and make it into a plait.  I would make my Mum buy her clothes from Mothercare, and I would constantly change her outfits and make her look pretty.  I was quite old by this point, probably around eleven, and probably a little too old to be playing with dolls, but I loved Jessica and being her 'Mummy.'

Looking back I wanted to be a Mummy from a very early age, I definitely had that maternal instinct.  My sister is ten years younger than me, and I used to constantly mother her, I loved changing her nappy and showing her off to all my friends.  I dreamt of having a little family of my own one day.  As I got older I always thought I would wait until my thirties to have children, I went to university, got drunk most nights and partied hard in my early twenties- life was one big adventure and I wanted to work hard and party harder.

But life doesn't always go the way you think it will and fate often has other plans for you.  I walked into a bar one day, got a job as a part time bartender and promptly fell in love with the most wonderful man. 

And just like that life changed.  Not instantly, we still had a good few years of living the high life in Leeds and in London.  But then we moved back to Cambridgeshire and slowly it all started to fall into place.  Engagements, Marriages, Mortgages.  We got married in December 2009 and went on honeymoon to Mexico.  Just like that it hit me.  I wanted a baby.  To start a family with my new husband.  I felt such a deep desire for a baby all of a sudden that it was almost overwhelming.

And we got lucky.  We fell pregnant pretty quickly.  We saw a little heartbeat flickering away on an ultrasound screen, my belly grew, our spare room became a nursery.  We found out we were having a girl and I sobbed like a baby.  Those long nine months waiting and waiting, cherishing every kick and waiting for our little girl to arrive.  I liked being pregnant but I worried and I just wanted our bundle here safe.

And on that cold Friday Christmas Eve morning in 2010 our lives changed forever.

A baby girl.  My daughter.

I lay on the bed in that operating theatre, the room awash with surgeons and supporting staff and I willed my little girl to cry.  My heart was pounding so hard I thought it was going to explode.  I gripped Mr E's hand so tight and prayed with every single fibre of my being that my baby would be born safe.

And she was. 

Oh to go back to that moment again.  That indescribable, overwhelming and euphoric moment when I heard Mads first cry.  Here she was.  That baby that I had dreamt about for many many years, before I even realised that I wanted her.  

I was a Mummy.  I was her Mummy.

Because I had a c-section I had to wait.  Wait for them to check her over, watch my husband cuddle her and report back to me what was going on.  

Then just like that they handed her to me.

How do you describe that feeling to someone?  To someone who isn't a mother?  

You just fall in love.  But not just lightly.  You fall in love hard.  When you reach out your arms and take your child for the first time, the love you have is overwhelming.  And terrifying.

The love you have for this little person staring back at you with their blink blink blinking black eyes takes your breath away.  In one small second you realise what it feels like to experience unconditional love.  To realise you would die for someone else, to realise that life will never be the same again, life will be incredible, life will be downright scary and life will be all that and more.

I fell in love hard on that cold winters morning and I thought that no one could capture my heart in the way that Mads arrived into the world and stole it in a millisecond.

But they could.

Two weeks ago, we were in the same hospital, in the same delivery ward and those anxious thoughts came back.  Will everything be ok?  Will she cry?  Will she have ten perfect fingers and ten perfect toes?  The same hospital I was born in twenty eight years before, my Mum lying in an operating theatre exactly the same as I was, albeit with scarier circumstances as she had serious preeclampsia.  It is incredibly poignant to me that my babies were born in the same place I was.

We all took our first breathes in the world in the same place.  On the start of our journeys.

And I gripped Mr E's hand tight again, the familiar 'boom boom boom' of my heart racing in my chest.  Waiting.  Wishing.  Praying.  Studying every single detail of the theatre staffs faces to check if they looked worried.  Willing them to hurry up so I could hear that sound again.  It took longer and it wasn't quite as relaxing but then just like that I heard it.

Her first breaths in the world.  My second daughter.

 The one I had been waiting for.  

The one to complete our family.  The tears fell down my face and I couldn't stop them.  She was here.

They pulled her out, all gunky and bloody and took her to check her over.  Again I watched Mr E cuddle her and then it was my turn.  I got to hold my second baby.

And I fell in love hard once again.  The heart I thought didn't have room for any more love, just like that, expanded and let our little lady in.  

We stared at each other, those same blink blink blinking black eyes, and we fell in love, my second daughter and I.

We stared at each other, sussed each other out, and silently bonded in that busy operating theatre.  There was at least six people busily rushing around, but I didn't notice anyone.  Not even my husband.  

Just her.  And me.  My Daughter.  Her Mummy. 

It was a different kind of feeling to the one I felt with Mads.  I fell in love with her instantly but it was all new.  The feelings, the emotions, being a Mummy.  But with our little lady, it was just overwhelming.  I knew what I was doing, and I knew she was the missing piece in the jigsaw.  The final piece to complete our family.

The feeling of holding another one of my babies for the first time.

holdingmadsfirsttime

holdingllfirsttime

How I wish I could go back and relive those moments over and over again.  Bottle it up, and whenever I find motherhood or life stressful or tough, I could open it up and relive how it felt to become a Mummy to these two little people?

That incredible and overwhelming love that takes your breath away.

With our second little lady, the feeling was even more intense.  It was the last time I will experience that incredible moment.  Our family is complete.  Never say never, but we are almost 99% positive that we are blessed and lucky, and that two beautiful girls is more than enough for us.  

It is time to pass the pregnancy baton to someone else and let them experience that rush of love.  

That feeling of becoming a Mummy.  That feeling that everything you have done in your life, however rewarding, up to this point, just doesn't matter.  That this is your proudest moment.

My heart is raw, and full of emotions when I think that my days of lying in a hospital theatre room and waiting for that first precious cry are over.  Not in a sad way, more of a poignant, bittersweet way.  And now I get to experience lots of different adventures along the way.  

Growing, learning and loving as a family of four.  

That this is just the beginning of our story.

My two little girls who have changed my life and made me a better person. 

And who gave me those most incredible moments that I will cherish forever.

The moments when I first held my babies.

 

 

 

 

 

Comments (21)

  • ghostwritermummy

    ghostwritermummy

    22 February 2013 at 15:01 |
    What a beautiful beautiful post! I am in floods! It took me until my 3rd child but I now know that feeling you write so eloquently about. Thank you for sharing xxxxx
  • Amy Keeling

    Amy Keeling

    22 February 2013 at 15:13 |
    This is so beautifully written. It really is the best feeling when you hold your baby for the first time. This post made me all nostalgic for that moment with both my girls. Such a special time.
  • lucy at dear beautiful boy

    lucy at dear beautiful boy

    22 February 2013 at 15:14 |
    Just beautiful Katie. A mother's love is just something you could never explain to someone who hasn't been there. And that wash of emotions you feel when you first see and hold your baby; love, and relief, and fear; it's all just incredible.
    And I think it's lovely that you and your two girlies all breathed for the first time in the same place. Just think how amazing it would be to think that one day they might have babies of their own taking those first breaths. X
  • Kara

    Kara

    22 February 2013 at 16:23 |
    Beautiful post. Written so well. So true. Those moments waiting for the cry. Then holding your baby. Your true love. I was unsure how I would feel both times. But both times my heart was filled. There is no love like for my babies. I am excited to see how it feels this time. Altogether the same but different.
  • mymummysings

    mymummysings

    22 February 2013 at 16:30 |
    What a lovely post. I can so relate to this. It's exactly how I felt and it's why I'll never tire of telling my 3 birth stories over and over again. It's the most amazing feeling in the world of love, relief and joy. When people ask if I want more kids I can confidently say no but would l like to experience the joy of meeting them all again for the first time? Yes. Indeed your proudest moment. I can't think of anything that could top it. X
  • Many many congrats!! The moment your two babies meet each other for the first time is such a special thing. I'll never forget it, and watching them grow together is a total joy. Best wishes to you all!!
  • Patricia T

    Patricia T

    22 February 2013 at 18:11 |
    Lovely post! So beautifully written - gave me goosebumps!! x
  • Hayley @hayleyfromhome

    Hayley @hayleyfromhome

    22 February 2013 at 18:11 |
    So beautiful, you've captured how it feels to become a Mummy perfectly. I can't imagine loving anyone more than I love Lucas but I know I will if we are lucky enough to have another. I am loving all your post baby posts but they do make me very emotional! xx
  • Bex @ The Mummy Adventure

    Bex @ The Mummy Adventure

    22 February 2013 at 20:13 |
    Just beautiful and making me want to do it all over again. Nothing will ever feel as perfect as the first time I held my two boys and I couldn't believe it when I realised I could love someone as much as I loved Dylan - Our hearts have a funny way of growing when they need to!

    Enjoy your beautiful girls and your lovely family x x
  • Heather

    Heather

    22 February 2013 at 20:37 |
    Beautiful stories. I love how you relayed the emotions. It is truly so overwhelming how you love them the moment you see them. YOu think you love them before they are born, and you do, but when they're here? It almost breaks your heart it's so strong.
  • Stuart (Daddy 4-Pigs)

    Stuart (Daddy 4-Pigs)

    22 February 2013 at 22:00 |
    As Daddy I had to be the second person to hold each of mine. I'm usually pretty competitive, but second works for me in these cases! Best feeling in the world isn't it!
  • Notmyyearoff

    Notmyyearoff

    22 February 2013 at 22:08 |
    Such lovely life changing moments. I rember with z it was completely instant. Amazing how that suddenly just happens isn't it? :)
  • Coombemill - Fiona

    Coombemill - Fiona

    23 February 2013 at 00:07 |
    Wouldn't that be wonderful to bottle those first day feelings for future times! Lovely post.
  • Karen

    Karen

    24 February 2013 at 11:25 |
    Aaaahhh beautiful. Two gorgeous little girls and the missing piece xx
  • Charlotte

    Charlotte

    24 February 2013 at 14:16 |
    Oh dear Katie! Your post are sometimes too much in my sleep deprived state! :0) Beautiful post! xx
  • Alex

    Alex

    24 February 2013 at 14:27 |
    Honestly just SO beautiful to read and so well written. I cannot wait for this moment myself!

    Alex
    Http://bump--to--baby.blogspot.com
  • jenny paulin

    jenny paulin

    24 February 2013 at 20:26 |
    awwww i have a lump in my throat now Katie *sniffs*
    everything you have written is so true (well apart from the sex of your babies) and very moving and emotive. and such gorgeous photos and as much as Mads looks like her Daddy now, your little LL looks the spit of mr E at birth in that photo.
    congratulations again x x
  • The Mummy Scripts

    The Mummy Scripts

    24 February 2013 at 22:01 |
    What a beautiful post! So lovely to come across your blog. You almost make me want to do it all again!
  • Stephanie

    Stephanie

    25 February 2013 at 00:45 |
    This is so beautifully written! It takes me back to when I first held my little one. I hope I get to experience that feeling again one day!
  • Vikki @ Love From Mummy

    Vikki @ Love From Mummy

    26 February 2013 at 07:54 |
    Just beautiful Katie, you have a way with words that makes my heart melt. I hope i get to experience those 'first cuddles' properly this time round :) xxx
  • Jade @ Mud Memories

    Jade @ Mud Memories

    26 February 2013 at 11:59 |
    This is beautiful, we're expecting our first in July and I am so so excited!

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