This past week has been a strange one for me and has left me feeling in the funniest of moods. On Wednesday I found out that our family dog of fourteen years had been put to sleep and then on Thursday morning I woke up to a text to say that a childhood friend’s Dad had passed away overnight.
Sometimes I look over at my little family and I get an overwhelming feeling of butterflies in my tummy. Fear almost. Fear that something will happen to them. To anyone I love. It makes me sometimes well up with tears as I can’t contemplate life without them. That my happy life could change in an instant.
I have always been a very emotional person and I wear my heart on my sleeve but since having Mads I sometimes think my emotions one day will swallow me up. I am so proud to be her mama, so proud to call her mine- my heart overflows with so much love for her that in certain moments it almost suffocates me with such an intense worry.
When you hear sad stories like I have this week, it makes me fully aware of just how fragile life is. It makes me want to kiss Mr E that little bit harder, to tell him I love him with all my heart. To just ring up my Dad and tell him he is the best. To tell my Mum I couldn’t love her anymore. To take in every single detail of my little girl’s face and touch every single bit of her skin, smother her in kisses and breathe in her gorgeous baby scent.
It makes me wonder why we had that fight about the house being a mess? Or why I was a bit grumpy when I spoke to my Mum on the phone? Why I get stressed out about the fact that I can’t afford some of the luxuries I used to? We are happy. Healthy. Here.
That’s all that matters.
Life sometimes feels like it passes in a blur of the day to day mundane- bills, work and every day stresses. And when you actually stop and think none of it is important. Does it matter if the house needs a quick hoover? Does it matter if there is a stain on the carpet? No, not in the slightest.
What matters is my family. My perfect little family. Who make my heart flutter when I look at them. My husband and my daughter playing together on our lounge floor, smiling and chatting together. My daughters pure innocent giggle as her Daddy picks her up and tickles her all over. The early morning cuddles in our bed.
Just being together.
The three of us.
It is probably the way I am feeling after the last few days but I can’t help that feel life passes by far too quickly.
Take my little girl. Running around the park on Thursday we had an amazing time. But I look at her walking everywhere and it is hard to imagine that 15 months ago we were lying in the hospital.
The first time I ever saw her. She took my breath away. That feeling of meeting her for the first time. I won’t ever get that back and that makes me feel quite teary.
Every memory we make I want to lock up in a little box and get them out and replay them again and again. I want to make as many memories as possible, and enjoy every single second with my wonderful family.
I am so thankful to have them.
I am so thankful to call them mine.