This past week has been a strange one for me and has left me feeling in the funniest of moods.  On Wednesday I found out that our family dog of fourteen years had been put to sleep and then on Thursday morning I woke up to a text to say that a childhood friend’s Dad had passed away overnight.

Sometimes I look over at my little family and I get an overwhelming feeling of butterflies in my tummy.  Fear almost.  Fear that something will happen to them.  To anyone I love.  It makes me sometimes well up with tears as I can’t contemplate life without them.  That my happy life could change in an instant.

I have always been a very emotional person and I wear my heart on my sleeve but since having Mads I sometimes think my emotions one day will swallow me up.  I am so proud to be her mama, so proud to call her mine- my heart overflows with so much love for her that in certain moments it almost suffocates me with such an intense worry.

When you hear sad stories like I have this week, it makes me fully aware of just how fragile life is.  It makes me want to kiss Mr E that little bit harder, to tell him I love him with all my heart.  To just ring up my Dad and tell him he is the best.  To tell my Mum I couldn’t love her anymore.  To take in every single detail of my little girl’s face and touch every single bit of her skin, smother her in kisses and breathe in her gorgeous baby scent.

It makes me wonder why we had that fight about the house being a mess?  Or why I was a bit grumpy when I spoke to my Mum on the phone?  Why I get stressed out about the fact that I can’t afford some of the luxuries I used to?  We are happy.  Healthy.  Here.

That’s all that matters.

Life sometimes feels like it passes in a blur of the day to day mundane- bills, work and every day stresses.  And when you actually stop and think none of it is important.  Does it matter if the house needs a quick hoover?  Does it matter if there is a stain on the carpet? No, not in the slightest.

What matters is my family.  My perfect little family.  Who make my heart flutter when I look at them.  My husband and my daughter playing together on our lounge floor, smiling and chatting together.  My daughters pure innocent giggle as her Daddy picks her up and tickles her all over.  The early morning cuddles in our bed.

Just being together.

The three of us.

It is probably the way I am feeling after the last few days but I can’t help that feel life passes by far too quickly.

Take my little girl.  Running around the park on Thursday we had an amazing time.  But I look at her walking everywhere and it is hard to imagine that 15 months ago we were lying in the hospital.

 The first time I ever saw her.  She took my breath away.  That feeling of meeting her for the first time.  I won’t ever get that back and that makes me feel quite teary.

Every memory we make I want to lock up in a little box and get them out and replay them again and again.  I want to make as many memories as possible, and enjoy every single second with my wonderful family.

I am so thankful to have them.

I am so thankful to call them mine.




  • Kara says:

    Bless you, this is a beautiful post, I know exactly what you mean, I have palpations every day about it, I am very fortunate to have all close family memembers and worry this will change, will Grayson’s condition one day change and he will be gone, I am so morbid, but we have to take note of how lucky we are xx

  • I’ve just read this post during a really emotional day and had a little cry – thankgod someone else thinks like this!

    Dean calls me crazy because Ive been known to wake him up to tell him I love him incase something bad happens. Im always convincing myself that all this will end soon, something will happen to Dean or Frankie. And I also scare myself into thinking something will happen to me and I won’t get to see Fran grow up.

    I agree with Kara above (on the morbid and the luck thing!), it’s hard to just enjoy life sometimes but we just have to remember how lucky we are in the here and now x x

  • Laura says:

    I think we all feel like this to a certain extent. It’s natural to worry about the people you love. I often panic that I won’t be around to watch Leo grow up, and make sure he is ok.

    We are all very lucky. Your little family is beautiful xx

  • Omg I’ve been feeling exactly the same way of late – I blame my pregnancy hormones! I even wrote a draft blog post pretty much saying the same things. Sometimes it makes me cry at the love I have for my family and fear of anything happening to them.

  • Kelly says:

    Now I feel really guilty! My husband got me a new phone today and Im so ungrateful..after reading this (and pretending that Im not really shedding a teeny weeny tear) I realised I havent even said “Thank you”. Off I pop to give him one of those little bit harder kisses :)
    Agreed that every single miniscule moment of our babies’ lives are far too precious for words..we’re all so very very lucky to be mummies! x

  • I can relate to this so much, sadly my mum’s dog of 16 was put to sleep year yesterday and it was awful – Bessie was there when I still lived at home! We also got some horrible news about my Mum’s partner but he is going to fight it. It does put things in perspective and make you realise how lucky and blessed we really are. Big hugs. xx

  • Lovely post Katie. I think we all need to sit and think about what we have sometimes and what it means. Life does pass all too quickly and scarily so once children arrive! What matters is that you are making the most of it and living it to the full – which you always seem like you do :-) xx

  • Ruth Taylor says:

    This post expresses what parenthood does to you! I’m sure many of us were not so aware of the ways in which we were blessed until we had children of our own. I put “parenthood” as I’m sure there are dads out there who feel the same.

  • amummysview says:

    this is a beautiful post lovely lady. You have echoed exactly how I feel, I sometimes worry about the world I am bringing my daughter up in and what if something happens that I just can’t protect her from, horrible feeling but just reinforces how much I love her and my family and how blessed and thankful I am to have them too. xxx

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  • I completely understand how you feel. I worry so much about something happening to the people I love, it brings tears to my eyes when I imagine something happening to Iyla. I guess you are right and all you can do is make the most of every precious moment you have together.Something I do find a bit tricky when I am pre-menstrual! x

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