I like to think I am a good Mummy.
I love my girls with all my heart, like all parents do, and I would do absolutely anything for them. Until you have children, you kind of guess what the love will feel like, but it is hard to explain until they are here- until you hold them and feel their little heart beating against you- it is pure, unconditional love.
I like to think that I am a fun Mummy. I take my girls out and about most days, we go to our singing group, out with friends, to gymnastics and out to lunch. We go on long walks, we giggle all day long and we snuggle on the sofa and do a jigsaw, watch TV or read a book. We go on day trips, weekends away and have lots of adventures.
I like to think I am an affectionate Mummy. I am naturally a soppy and affectionate person and I lose count of the amount of times a day I give them a kiss or a cuddle, or tell them I love them. I want them to grow up in a house full of love and affection, just like I did.
Of course I have days where I breathe a sigh of relief when they are in bed, and I think to myself that perhaps I haven’t been the best Mum I could have been that day. Perhaps the TV stayed on that little bit longer that it should have done, or I lost my patience a bit too easily. I think thats part and parcel of being a parent- some days are harder than others.
Last week I took Mads to the cinema for the first time. It had been planned for a while and we were going with another friend and her son. Right at the last minute my Mum had to stay home from work for a delivery so she offered to have LL for me- the first time she has done so for a longish period of time. I was so excited to have a date with my Mads and to spend some quality time with her.
We dropped LL off at my Mum’s and drove to the cinema. I got her a small bag of popcorn, some juice and some Magic Stars and we went into the film. She looked adorable sat there on the booster seat and I was certain she was going to love it as she loves watching films at home. The adverts came on and there was an advert with a robot with demonic eyes, and it frightened her so she started to cry. She sat on my lap and I tried to calm her down but she got hysterical so I took her outside.
We sat outside for a few minutes and I told her there was nothing to be frightened of, that none of the other little boys and little girls were scared. She didn’t want to go and sit back down so after about ten minutes she agreed to go and stand just inside the door to see if she wanted to watch it. Typically we timed it just as a dragon came on the screen at the start of a screen and she got hysterical again. She was clinging to me and crying and saying she wanted to go home. I haven’t seen her so upset in a long time.
I am ashamed to say I got cross with her. Not really cross but I told her she was being silly and that I was cross as everyone else was enjoying the film and weren’t scared. We left the cinema and got in the car and she was still upset but was calming down. I was so frustrated with her because I so desperatly wanted to enjoy our time together just the two of us.
As we drove off she said to me ‘I am sorry I didn’t like the film Mummy, I want you to be happy.’
I could not have felt more awful if I tried. So awful that I cried. I cannot believe that I got cross with her for being frightened about something. She is two and a half. All was ok in the end and we went home, snuggled on the sofa and watched television while eating our treats, but the way I was with her has stayed with me since then.
There’s no instruction booklet for being a parent, and there’s no way of controlling what is going to happen. A lot of the time I trust my instincts and I get it right, but there are times, like last Thursday when I get it totally wrong. I make mistakes.
I am relatively new to this parenting malarky. I am learning, growing and developing along with my lovely little girls.
I like to think I am a good Mummy. And part of that is learning from my mistakes. Admitting when I get it wrong.
I am not a perfect Mummy.
But I am trying to be the best I can possibly be.