The Letter Before I Became Who I Am Now.

I have been writing letters for my girls every month for as long as I can remember.  I want to give them to them on their eighteenth birthdays so that they can treasure them, I would have loved such a precious memento so I hope that they will too.

All of the memories of their childhood jotted down for them to read.  For them to read how much I love them.  How life wasn’t always perfect but how we had it pretty good in those early days.  Funny little snippets into ours lives and how we learnt and grew together as a family.  I hope I continue to write them, whatever happens and whatever comes our way.

I was putting some bits and pieces into Mads memory box yesterday when I found the first letter I ever wrote to her on the night before she was born.  Having c-sections means that both times I have known exactly when my babies were going to arrive- a weird and surreal experience.

I remember so vividly writing Mads that letter.  That day I waddled into Tescos and found a card.  I didn’t want to get a ‘To my daughter’ one in case for any reason the scan had been wrong.  So I settled for a Happy Christmas card as she was arriving on Christmas Day.  Mr E was still at work, so I sat down at the table, put my hand on my tummy and wrote to my unborn baby girl.  We knew her name, and had done since we found out we were having a girl, but I didn’t want to write it in case I somehow tempted fate.

I find it so weird to look back on now.  That quiet moment of reflection before it all began.  Before life changed.  Sat at my table with the Christmas tree lights twinkling in the background.  I then popped the card in the envelope and went to the pub for a Christmas dinner with my family.  Sat there surrounded by our loved ones, butterflies dancing in my tummy alongside my baby.  Knowing that the next day our world would be turned upside down.

When I was just me.  I can’t remember what it is like to be ‘just me’. For now we are an us.  We are a family.

To read that last letter as me just being Katie, before I was a Mum is a really funny thing, and I haven’t looked at it since she was born.

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 Dear Baby E,

I thought I would write you a little card that you can read and keep for when you are older.

Today is the 23rd December 2010 and tomorrow is a very exciting day because we finally get to meet you.  You are arriving on Christmas Eve which you will probably hate when you are older, but I think it is a very special birthday.  I am having a c-section because you are already a little madam and are the wrong way round- your head should be down but instead your head is up near my ribs.  This is called breech so it is safer that you come by caesearian.  I don’t mind this but it will take a bit longer to recover from it.

We just can’t wait to meet you!  I have been for the day I can finally hold you for nine long months  I found out I was pregnant on Sunday 25th April 2010 when I was in Bournemouth on a business trip with work  I jumped and ran around the room in excitement and had to keep all this amazing news to myself until Thursday because I wanted to tell your Daddy to his face.  He was shocked but thrilled and shed a little tear.

We have since shared this special journey, watching my tummy grow and going to your scans.  At my 12 week scan you waved at us and on the 20 week one we found out you were going to be a little girl. (Well we hope you are cause we have bought a lot of pink!)

I have absolutely loved and treasured feeling you move and kick inside me, it is the most amazing feeling in the world and I am going to miss it when you are born  I have been so paranoid during the nine months but only because I love you so much already.

Well your Daddy has just rung me and said he is on his way home from work so I am going to finish now.  We are going to the cinema and out for some dinner with the family tonight.

I just want you to know how much we can’t wait to meet you and that we love you so much.

Mummy xx

The next day she arrived and that was it.  Life changed forever.  Since then it has been a blur of sleepless nights, hectic days, good times, bad times and absolutely incredible times.  There’s not much time for me to just be me anymore.

For that reason I will always treasure the letter before I became a Mummy.

But I treasure the times being one even more.

 

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